Home: San Francisco; Age: 42; Diagnosed: 1995; Faith: Queer Christianity

Roots
I was raised Catholic, but I'm no longer part of that church. For years I was a minister at the Metropolitan Community Church (MCC), a gay church in the Castro. There our candlelight prayers and chants have a mystical dimension -- something you can give yourself over to.

Calling All Angels
My faith has sustained me through many losses over the years, but it wasn't about my own personal survival until I became sick. Then I had to rely on what I'd used to help bring comfort to others.

I've done a lot of AIDS work, so when I was diagnosed, I faced a great deal of embarrassment and depression. I had some dark periods where I used recreational drugs to cope, but therapy, prayer and faith helped me be more compassionate with myself: So what? I made a mistake. Seroconverting and the deepening of my faith has made me love my life more.

There's Something About Mary
The prayer I found so helpful when I got sick was the Hail Mary. It's part of the rosary. My late grandmother, who was very religious, used to pray to them. She always offered me unconditional love. So when I was sick and wanted comfort, I asked for a rosary. When you're a child and you memorize a prayer, it doesn't mean anything. But when you're an adult and believe that you're dying, those words mean so much. Now every Wednesday at MCC I light a candle and pray the Hail Mary for health, calm and equanimity about the unpredictable aspects of living with HIV. Mary is the feminine divine. When I pray, I picture my grandmother.

A Touch of Grace
Another thing that brought me tremendous comfort in the hospital was people touching me. When I was isolated and fearful, touch brought me back. The infusions of warmth made me feel better, made me feel. To me, that's spiritual. Laying on of hands is a kind of healing prayer.

Prayermaster
I'd never been to the gym before I was 30. I was phobic -- it was tied in to being gay and feeling inadequate. But when I was 30, I suddenly gained a lot of weight: I was doing a lot of funerals, and clearly I was eating my grief. I had to get back some physical balance so I forced myself to go to the gym. Now I go every day and do a half hour of aerobic exercise on the Stairmaster. Although it's physical, it is primarily a spiritual experience for me. I pray the whole time. It's my time with myself, to see what comes up, and it's helped me process the grief. The Stairmaster is for me what going to church is for other people. That and my prayer meetings form the substance of what I call formal prayer. The rest is gravy.

Self-Health
I've been on all kinds of antiretrovirals, and the side effects were awful. But the desire to live is a spiritual impulse. Spirituality reminds me that I am more than my body.