June #48 : Ghost Reader - by David Groff

POZ - Health, Life and HIV
Subscribe to:
POZ magazine
Join POZ: Facebook MySpace Twitter Pinterest
Tumblr Google+ Flickr MySpace
POZ Personals
Sign In / Join

Back to home » Archives » POZ Magazine issues

Table of Contents


Beyond Condoms: Introduction

Beyond Condoms

Beyond Condoms: Life After Latex

Ouch! Stop the Pain

Catching Up With . . . Jim Howley

Drag King

Queen of Hearts


To the Editor

Hypodermic Hysteria


POZarazzi: Party Poop

Frogs Out of Hot Water

Clip 'n' Save

Swing Vote

Think Stink

"WeHo" Heave Ho

Little Rocked

Say What


Patriot Games

Policy Permutations

Ghost Reader

Show & Tell

Rescue 3-8-7

Dose Encounters

Nurse a Grudge

A Bum Rap

Where There’s Smoke...

Feelin' No Pain

Tranny Time

Where to Find It

Get Over It

Volunteers Wanted

Not Your Typical Tearjerker

Displace Dysplasia

Prevention Extension

Posterboy Always Rings Twice

Sense and Sinsemilla

POZ Picks

Aunt Evelyn's Letters

Most Popular Lessons

The HIV Life Cycle


Herpes Simplex Virus

Syphilis & Neurosyphilis

Treatments for Opportunistic Infections (OIs)

What is AIDS & HIV?

Hepatitis & HIV

email print

June 1999

Ghost Reader

by David Groff

A dead author watches over his manuscript's completion

Lover of men, passionate and contrarian AIDS activist, Robin Hardy had written more than half of The Crisis of Desire before the October day in 1995 when he fell to his death hiking in the Arizona desert. A writer of male adventure fiction, he died adventurously. Later, as I worked to finish his manuscript and struggled to augment his argument with the tricky truths of HIV in the late 1990s, my friend’s voice badgered me, second-guessing, challenging every elaboration and qualification I made. When our collaboration was at its best—when, say, I could decipher his loopy handwriting or riff off what he had written—I felt animated by Robin’s spirit. It was as if he channeled his own words on the keyboard, and I was his fingertips. As I worked on his chapter on sex and risk, with all of its subtle distinctions around desire and brotherly responsibility, I felt Robin was calling me to take the same kind of complicated care that safer sex requires. And I felt myself a painfully intimate witness to his life’s pivot point: the story of his infection with HIV from a lover in West Berlin in 1983. What carried me through was the belief I share with Robin: that a crisis of desire runs rampant among gay men. “AIDS is over. Gay men lost,” Robin announces on the opening page of The Crisis of Desire. But even as he tallies our losses, Robin’s vehemence itself presumes that hope persists. And hope was his last bequest. Robin Hardy aspired not just for a cure for AIDS but for the renewal of the great gay promise—that even amid plague gay men can build a fraternity of love.


Every human with HIV has a point of departure. I carry HIV because I am a gay man, and because in the early 1980s I lived in New York, Amsterdam, Berlin—all centers of the maelstrom. To journey back to those beginnings is to find the source of the crisis of desire that afflicts us now.

Although I’ll never be completely certain, I think HIV passed to me that summer in West Berlin, from a man named Rollo, a skinhead punk rocker who sported a leather cord around his neck, owned a successful café and lived in a squatter’s house at the far end of Kreuzeber, where his porcelain teacups sat amid a scaffolding of black steel stereo equipment. We met that June and became lovers. Rollo did not see any contradiction in being a well-to-do owner of a café who was also an anti-establishment punk, nor was he bothered that his squatter’s quarters contained thousands of marks’ worth of audio. Grand, devious and a little silly, he bullied his contradictions into silence. He was also an ostentatiously sexual man, taking delight in danger. Once, when he had mounted me from behind and I was about to come, I abruptly felt his leather thong tighten around my neck. Rollo was cutting off my breath. Deprived of air, my nerves and muscles tensing and surrendering, I had an orgasm that was transcendent, a dance with darkness. By the time he let me breathe again, Rollo was laughing and holding me. I was limp with joy.

By Friday night I was feeling nauseated and had a growing fever. By Saturday morning it was definitely the flu, mysterious, severe, abrupt, out of season. By Sunday evening, I was burning with fever and delirious….

Rollo and I corresponded for a few years, lost touch. Then in 1987 I received a postcard demanding, “Are you still alife?” There was another exchange, then silence. I have chosen to think that Rollo is my murderer, but I attach no blame to him. I only love his memory more. Everyone was ignorant then. It was no fault of his. It could just as easily have been me, because I’m certain that in those years of ignorance, through no intention of my own, I was a bringer of disease to other men.

Hearing the story of Rollo wrapping his leather thong around my neck, some people will take it as a fearsome and tragic metaphor, the outward and visible sign not just of a death unwittingly delivered but of a life already half in love with easeful death. The HIV transmission that occurred that day was tragic, or at least unfortunate; no one should have to die young. Those people are right that my dance with Rollo is a metaphor. I ask, however that they consider that moment with something approaching awe. I very much regret that I have HIV. I do not regret for an instant the intense, connective, vivid, enlivening sex I had with Rollo.

From The Crisis of Desire by Robin Hardy. Copyright © 1999 Robin Hardy. Reprinted by permission of Houghton Mifflin Company.

[Go to top]

Facebook Twitter Google+ MySpace YouTube Tumblr Flickr Instagram
Quick Links
Current Issue

HIV Testing
Safer Sex
Find a Date
Newly Diagnosed
HIV 101
Disclosing Your Status
Starting Treatment
Help Paying for Meds
Search for the Cure
POZ Stories
POZ Opinion
POZ Exclusives
Read the Blogs
Visit the Forums
Job Listings
Events Calendar
POZ on Twitter

Ask POZ Pharmacist

Talk to Us
Did you participate in an event for National Black HIV/AIDS Awareness Day 2016?


more surveys
Contact Us
We welcome your comments!
[ about Smart + Strong | about POZ | POZ advisory board | partner links | advertising policy | advertise/contact us | site map]
© 2016 Smart + Strong. All Rights Reserved. Terms of use and Your privacy.
Smart + Strong® is a registered trademark of CDM Publishing, LLC.