My Funny Valentine meets Love in the Time of Cholera
(February 19–March 20)
Last night you developed a sudden allergic reaction to Nonoxynol-9. This morning you nearly choked on your nelfinavir. Watch yourself on the way home from work. Perhaps you shouldn’t have broken the heart of a voodoo princess so close to Valentine’s Day. I’d call her if I were you. Your viral load count is due Monday—why takechances?
(March 21–April 19)
You are That Girl. You’ve got the best lines and all the bit players watch your story unfold with bated breath. Can you really blame them? It’s not everyone who can pop pills with such panache as you. But keep an eye on that sneaky scene-stealer looking for a lead role.
(April 20–May 20)
As one of the most sensual signs of the zodiac, you are living proof that PWAs can have great sex. This is your time of year, isn’t it? You get to play Cupid and make everyone else’s fantasies come true. But in the midst of all this romance, remember to give thanks to the gods of testosterone.
(May 21–June 20)
So, your doctor wouldn’t give you Prozac for each of your personalities. Nice try, though. I had a dream where you were a superhero named Flirtron. You could render villains powerless with a bat of your eyes and a flash of your turbocharged smile. Only I knew your secret identity—a mild-mannered working girl. I’m still not sure which was more of a disguise. Do you know?
(June 21–July 22)
You’re going to be around longer than you thought. Problem is you’re not so much “Lazarus Raised” as “Lay-Z-Boy Reclined.” You really are lots of fun once you’re out of the house. And I’m not even talking about the time you discovered how Xanax interacts with booze. Get your cute self to the sweethearts’ dance and give some lucky person a case of crabs they won’t forget.
(July 23–August 22)
You know the signs. The nausea, the sweating, the tingles down your spine—you thought it was the d4T, but it’s love. Seeing him in the market on Tuesday clinched it. You played it like a Hollywood star just trying to live amongst the people. “Oh, hello,” he said while you examined the zucchinis. You smiled sweetly. He’s yours.
(August 23–September 22)
It’s no secret that your lover isn’t as organized as you. Who is? We all know you’re proud of your new adherence device. Yep, it fits right into a fanny pack and faxes your doctor when you skip a dose. Wow, wow, wow. Listen, it’s no reflection on you if he doesn’t share your enthusiasm. This V-Day take it easy on your sugar. If he wants to eat Ho-Ho’s with his Crixivan—let him. He’ll make it up to you later.
(September 23–October 23)
Is it way too soon to buy a Valentine’s gift for your new honey? What if it is too soon? What if you scare him away? Quit weighing the issues and get the damn teddy bear if you think he’ll like it. Also, stop being so sensitive about those warts on your feet. Go ahead and take your socks off in bed. Repeat after me: “Love me, love my molluscum.”
(October 24–November 21)
Your friends are worried about your new Crix-belly. But—you’re not on Crixivan. Your famous self-destructive streak strikes again. Harness your astonishing willpower and focus it on keeping that New Year’s resolution to look better than your ex. I saw him at the gym the other day. You better get your ass in gear, kiddo.
(November 22–December 21)
She can’t get enough of your homemade brownies and you giggle at all the same things. Could this be love? Your buddies down at the cannabis buyers club think so. They say they have a cosmic vision of wedding bells, but are you moving too fast? Don’t stress, she’s in no rush either. Take two tokes and call it a day.
(December 22–January 19)
Your friends met your new boyfriend and now they think you’ve got dementia. He’s as impetuous as you are conservative, as out-spoken as you are reticent. But frankly, they’re not the ones sleeping with him, are they? Be fearless and make him your valentine. In the meantime, milk that dementia excuse for all it’s worth and speak your mind to those so-called friends.
(January 20–February 18)
It’s a good thing you were born under a water sign. With your latest bout of unpleasant side effects, you’ve mapped out every public restroom in town. This month you’ll be put to the test as you and your true love plan a Valentine’s getaway. What a lousy time to start taking ritonavir. Better pack Immodium!