Brent Pendleton
34
Houston
Diagnosed 2001
I started using crystal at Gay Pride in 1995. Over the next seven
years, I filed for bankruptcy, lost 10 rotted teeth and two serious
boyfriends. I woke up in a hotel bathtub on Christmas after three
blacked-out days. With meth pushing my inhibitions, I went on long
binges of anonymous sex, using condoms about 10 percent of the time.
You don’t think about HIV when you’re high. You feel invincible. Part
of the problem may have been prevention burnout: People get sick of
hearing they have to use condoms. Crystal lets you forget about
HIV—until you get it. After I was diagnosed, I felt disgusted with
myself and like I was going in circles. But finally, I stopped doing
360s and did a 180. My last high was December 31, 2001, seven months
after I tested positive. —as told to Lucile Scott
5 Steps to Clean, Sober and Safe
1. Get Smart
“I realized I’d
die if I didn’t quit, and as an addict I thought it should be from
something more glamorous than HIV. I had 200 T cells, lost 35 pounds
and had HIV meds to take—which I knew I would forget on crystal. So I
stopped cold turkey—no detox clinic, no horrible withdrawal. Quitting
crystal made me lethargic. I slept a lot, had nightmares and lost more
weight. But every day without drugs made me want to stay clean more. It
doesn’t have to take getting HIV to quit, though.”
For more on detox, check out the info to empower people to quit at Life or Meth, www.lifeormeth.com.
2. Get Support
“I
went to Crystal Meth Anonymous [CMA] once I felt confident saying I was
an addict in public—and that I could help others. It was a mixed group
with men and women, gay and straight. Finally, it seemed like I wasn’t
alone. I could talk to other people dealing with issues like how to
socialize without being pushed to use. After a while, I was nominated
to be group leader.”
Find your local CMA 12-step meeting at www.crystalmeth.org.
3. Get Healthy
“I’ve
adhered to my meds 100 percent. I’ve gained back the weight and am
undetectable. I get counseling and hit the gym to regain pride in my
body. Going to work every day and having a reason to get up in the
morning and earn money like everyone else helps me mentally. I feel
like a functioning member of society again.”
For more on adherence, fitness and jobs, visit the Body, a comprehensive guide to HIV, at www.thebody.com.
4. Get Sex Confidence
“During
my first sober relationship, I had so many flashbacks of drug-driven
sex that I couldn’t function sexually. Now, I’m comfortable with myself
and discuss meth use, being positive and having safer sex with
potential partners. Most people thank me and ask questions. I’ve never
had anyone say, ‘You were a drug user? I’m not having sex with you.’ I
ask guys who seem high to leave my apartment.”
Find pointers for positive dating at HIV Stops With Me, a site about HIVers preventing infections, (www.hivstops -withme.com).
5. Get Active
“My
addiction led to activism and that’s what I take pride in now. I’m the
prevention supervisor at Montrose Clinic in Houston. I work out of the
clinic and go to gay bars and bathhouses to talk about prevention and
harm reduction. I can walk up to johns, prostitutes and junkies, and
there is a connection and trust. They know I come from the streets. I
feel good when people come up and say, ‘Hey, it’s been three weeks
since I’ve picked up.’ It keeps me strong.”
Contact your local ASO for activism information. And get involved in the Campaign to End AIDS, www.campaigntoendaids.org.
