The Rookie:
Johnny Guaylupo
24
Bronx, New York
Diagnosed 1998
Q: “I want to be an activist, but I’m afraid to disclose my status in my neighborhood. What can I do?”
The Veteran:
Chardelle Imani Lassiter
59
Brooklyn, New York
Diagnosed 1988
A: “When you disclose, that’s when you can start teaching others.”
Johnny:
I was diagnosed with HIV when I was 17, and I kept it a big secret. I
didn’t come out to friends and most of my family because they weren’t
educated about HIV. I didn’t have anyone to talk to who was like
me—young, Latino and positive. Right now, I’m an activist and out
everywhere but at home and in my neighborhood. I realize it makes a big
difference not just to tell people you are fighting for them but to
share your own story because it touches them in a different way. That
is the kind of activist I want to be.
Chardelle:
For years after my diagnosis, I tried to live as much of a non-HIV life
as possible: I disclosed to very few people, and I did not go on
medical treatment. And the social stigma was terrifying. What made you
finally start thinking about coming out with your status?
Johnny:
Two years ago, my doctor took me to the Ryan White National Youth
Conference, and that was the first time I met young people like myself
who were HIV positive. There was a lot of support, and I started to
learn about activism. I was very inspired. But I was still not telling
my story.
Chardelle: Is that how you started exploring activism?
Johnny:
Yes. And learning about it inspired me to come out publicly for the
first time, in Denver. Last summer, I was a youth coordinator at the
Youth Action Institute there, and I came out to a group of activists.
Chardelle:
In 1994, after my mate died and close friends had died of the disease,
I began to feel terrified and helpless. By 1996, I realized I needed
help. I went to an HIV counseling service and eventually volunteered in
the office. People slowly began asking me to speak to their groups,
which is how I became an activist. But I didn’t disclose my status the
first few times, and I realized that I was being dishonest with myself
and with them. So I didn’t really get over my fear as much as I moved
past it—it became mandatory that I disclose because I could see how
transformative and helpful it was for them and for me. Helping others
made me feel better and provided the framework for me to build a life
for myself.
Johnny: Did you start to attend community meetings?
Chardelle:
I started going to meetings and anything that had to do with HIV. I
didn’t understand it, and I didn’t go to disclose. I just went to plop
myself in the middle of the madness. I thought: “If I can sit here,
I’ll absorb it, and eventually it will make sense.” And I did learn.
Johnny: What’s it like for you now?
Chardelle:
I’m always uncomfortable when I disclose in a new environment, but it’s
like having a monkey on your back—I ask myself, “Who is going to live
my life, this monkey or me?” That way I can do what I want to do
without being stuck in fear.
Johnny: My other big fear is coming out here in the Bronx. I want to become active and do public speaking here.
Chardelle:
The first place I called for help was in my own neighborhood, and I had
thought that that was the last thing I would ever do because I knew it
would invite someone coming up to me and saying, “I saw you coming out
of that HIV clinic” and me having to explain. And I really dreaded
that. But I was tired of hiding. Getting rid of this fear helped me to
get on with my life.
Johnny: Did anyone ever recognize you on the street?
Chardelle:
Four years ago, I was coming out of my building when a neighbor came
running across the street saying she had seen me on TV the night
before, and I knew it had to be related to AIDS. I knew she wasn’t
coming to kill me, but I was just leaving my house, and here was this
situation where I had to talk about my personal business. I understood
that if I was public about my status that this might happen. So I
accept it now and say, “This is where you start teaching.”
Want
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after years of survival? Sign up for the POZ mentor program at
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