Monroe City, Indiana
Positive since 2009

I am HIV positive. I never wanted to be, nor did I think the man I was with would give it to me. We had been together for a year when I got tested. It was devastating news. After I found out, I had about five cigarettes. I drove to tell my partner and tell him that he needed to get tested too.

It turned out he was positive and had had the virus longer than me. His CD4 counts were lower and he got on meds right away. We were both sad and upset, and I was a little angry. We decided not to tell anyone, but we owned the fact that we were HIV positive. We knew we had to go to the doctor, have blood drawn every three months and take our meds every night before bed.

I never held what happened against him. We knew we would always be together and we loved each other. I always thought that I had just a little of him in me. I didn’t like having to go to the clinic and have my business out there. I also don’t like worrying about getting sick or even a cold, but it is the price we pay. We had each other.

We stayed together for almost four years. After we separated, it hurt to lose my support system, boyfriend, lover and home. But relationships change, and without communication they degrade over time.

Telling my family was very hard. I had been dealing with being HIV positive for years, but they were shocked by the news. Mom cried as moms do. Dad was mad. My family became somewhat supportive, but it was like coming out all over again. I still have trouble watching movies that have anything to do with HIV. I cannot and will not watch the movie Rent.

I don’t regret having HIV but I have my regrets. I found it hard to find guys that still liked me after I would tell them I was positive. I had never dealt with the negatives that come with being a single, HIV-positive gay man. I had always had the love and support of the one man who gave it to me, and when he was gone, I had to work through the challenges and problems.

One cannot choose to be in love with one person or another. But it is my opinion that being in a relationship with another HIV-positive person helps because they have been there. They know what’s going on inside of you: the scares, the worry and the “did you take you meds today?” I am not sick, I am not dying, but I live with the negatives of HIV. I have night sweats and the mental negativity, and I don’t like to bleed. I am HIV positive but it is not who I am, just as being gay is not who I am. It all makes up me.

I know it is a lot easier to live with HIV now than 10 or 20 years ago. We have better meds and treatment and even get insurance. HIV is not the death sentence it once was. HIV is still a big problem and can affect anyone. We are all human beings, people living and dying. Because of meds I have an undetectable status, but that does not mean I have forgotten that day, April 14, 2009, when I had my yearly HIV test and things changed.

What three adjectives best describe you?
I am emotional and tend to overthink. I am artistic and love learning.

What is your greatest achievement?
At 19 years old I had a story published in the East Texas Historical Journal, the story of the very small town I graduated high school from. I have recently been writing an art article for local newspaper.

What is your greatest regret?
Love might be my great regret. The heart and the head don’t always work together.

What keeps you up at night?
I am a worrier and a night owl. I can stay up at night stressing over things that happened during the day.

If you could change one thing about living with HIV, what would it be?
Take away the stigmas attached to being HIV positive.

What is the best advice you ever received?
Take your medication and stay in care.

What person in the HIV/AIDS community do you most admire?
I admire a lady who is my phlebotomist at Matthew 25 AIDS Services in Evansville, Indiana. She always treats me like I am special and she cares deeply for our HIV community.

What drives you to do what you do?
I don’t have much drive. I get up and go to work and live day to day.

What is your motto?
“Amor vincit omnia,” which means “love conquers all things."

If you had to evacuate your house immediately, what is the one thing you would grab on the way out?
I love family history and have a lot of family photos and documents. The one object i would grab would be my grandfather’s gold cameo ring.

If you could be any animal, what would you be? And why?
I would be a dog. I have always had dogs, mostly black Labs. Dogs are loving and have an unconditional love.