December 8, 2008

Brenda Lee Curry: Aging Gracefully With HIV

Brenda Lee Curry discovered that she was HIV positive at the age of 40. Soon after, she went through a divorce and then lost her 29-year-old son to liver disease. Now, at 63, Curry is beginning to enjoy her life and love herself. Inspired to encourage other women older than 50 to do the same, she founded a New York support group called Copasetic Women.

How do people react when they find out that you’re a 63-year-old woman with HIV?

They go, “No, you’re kidding!” And I say, “Yes, I do have HIV, and I’ve lived to see three great-granddaughters.” In 1985, when I was diagnosed, the doctor told me, “Well, you need to go and get all your finances and everything else in order because you don’t have but a short time to live.” I think he said about five or six months.

How has HIV changed your life?

Having this virus has opened a lot of doors within myself. Ironically, HIV has caused me to know and feel a hell of a lot better about myself than I did 24 years ago. I have hope now, and I’m living.

When I talk about having HIV, I don’t stand there and talk about being an IV-drug user, or that I drank. What I talk about is the one thing that got me to where I am: low self-esteem. That’s the culprit. That’s what got me into the drugs and the alcohol and being promiscuous. When I was young, no one told me that I was beautiful and important. I didn’t get that support, so I went out into the streets to find those things. It was the worst mistake I ever made. It was nothing but heartache and pain.

So now, at 63, I’ve started to validate myself. Validation doesn’t have to come from anyone outside—it’s coming from me. I should have discovered that years ago, when I was 10 years old. Now I’m learning how to look in the mirror and not walk away real fast. I can just stand there for a few minutes longer, really look at myself and say, “Yeah, you are a nice-looking woman.” I say it so many times until I really feel it. I hold my head up. My shoulders are straight. I’m learning that if it comes from you first, others will see it too. Every day is a learning experience for this 63-year-old.

Does your newfound self-esteem help you handle some of the problems HIV causes?

I have neuropathy, which is irreversible nerve damage. It’s a side effect from a HIV medication I was taking. My feet are in pain everyday, just the miserable type of pain that wants to keep you from wanting to go out, not wanting to get up. I can’t write anymore, I shake now—but I don’t care. I’m going out, I’m living. I have to do what I have to do to keep living. I can’t crawl back into the wall, pick up a drink and snort any cocaine. I’m finding freedom because I can hold my head up.

How did you start Copasetic Women?

I didn’t realize that I was actually aging until somebody in a support group told me I was old-fashioned and talking like a grandmother. All of a sudden I realized that I didn’t need to be there anymore, I had outgrown that program. I began looking for something else. I looked for a support group for women over 50 who were going through the same changes I was going through—and I couldn’t find anything. I was scared. I began thinking about the other women who might also be looking for something to be a part of and identify with.

So I started a group of my own. Before you knew it, we had 15 women older than 50 in this support group. We moved around Manhattan, meeting twice a month, and we were happy. We started getting small grants from places like M•A•C Cosmetics and Bailey House. It was amazing. We really were functioning on our own, running our own program, doing the things we needed to do as women who are aging with this virus.

How do the other members of the group support you?

They allow me to talk about all this [acquiring self-esteem, learning to live with HIV] without making me feel embarrassed for saying this at 63 years old. In Copasetic Women, I feel free, and sharing is easy. I feel comfortable because I’m in a room with women in their 50s, 60s, 70s and 80s who understand what I’m going through.

A lot of us are dealing with things other than HIV: diabetes, osteoporosis, cataracts—all the things that come with aging. We help each other stay strong and take care of ourselves. We all spent most of our lives taking care of the family, and now we’re single and have no children still at home. It’s a new awakening to realize that now we have to care for ourselves. That was the hardest thing for me. It’s all about me now, and I have to learn to live with me.

How did you choose the name?

One of the women—she’s 79 now—used to hang out at the Cotton Club in Harlem, where the word was used, back in the 1940s. Copasetic means you got it going on, you’re cool, you’re fabulous—and we are. I created a family where women are able to think far beyond HIV, think living. After all, we’re aging and we’re going to die. Don’t just sit around, go and do things. You do not have to stay within the HIV community—there’s a wider world out there. If you sit around, you’re going to complain about aches and pains and all the pills you’re taking, and you’re constantly going to run to doctors because you’ll always come up with something that’s wrong with you.

What are your hopes for Copasetic Women?

I hope that we will have our own space. We’re thinking of starting a thrift shop because all of us are over 50 and have years and years of clothes that we’re not wearing anymore. A shop would help sustain our organization. I also hope for all of us to flourish into something that we never thought we could be.

For more on HIV over 50, search “aging” at poz.com.

Scroll down to comment on this story.

Previous Comments:

Neecy Watson, New York, 2009-05-31 23:53:02
I admire you. You are beautiful. Sista live your life to the fullest and continue to help other woman. I am over 50, female and would love to come to one of your meetings. How can I get in touch with you. love and peace

Jane, Orlando, 2009-05-28 15:10:45
Great Group! I was diagnosed at 55 and am now 66, living with HIV. We need more groups like yours, especially to combat the stigma and ignorance. Keep up the copacetic attitude!

Morales, Bx NY, 2009-05-13 16:35:19
I have just recently found out I am HIV positive, not only am I postive but I also have Herpes and Hep C. I am trying to keep my head up. I will be turning 40 next month and also will be attending my graduate school graduation, this is all happy events but I have an 11yr old son I would like to see grow into a young man. I do not know any support groups where women go to share please help!!

Dolores, New York, 2009-01-06 19:24:18
I am a 63 year old HIV + woman. I was diagnosed in 2000and we figured it happened in 1983. I work in retail sales and don't know anyone with this. A support group might be a Blessing. With my crazy work schedule it might be hard to make all meetings,but it may help fight my depression. Thank you Brenda for this information. Bless you.

Andrina, Zomba, Malawi, 2009-01-05 04:48:56
This is good lets all try to reduce stigma and discrimination because some of us whenever disclosing our status we are experiencing stigma even at the work place

Celestial, East Bay, CA, 2008-12-27 21:43:10
It's great to read inspirational stories such as these. However, there is still little to nothing being done in the bay area for women, in general, as far as support groups, counseling and case management. Being poz for over 25 years (16 yrs old), I've seen almost no change in the stigma or treatment of women and HIV. Personally, I'm tired of beating my head against a brick wall 4 too long. I gave up on my county, city or state (much less the community) providing me w/any help EVER.

CM NYC, nyc, 2008-12-24 21:35:57
i am hiv since 2004...in my late 40's. i would like to find a support group ,to talk,discuss & support. Does anyone know of a support group in nyc,bx,westchester???

Abo, lagos, 2008-12-17 06:19:10
it is really encouraging to read this article. i am a nigerian being poz since 2004. it took awhile to gather myself together that it is not the end of the world. i am not on drug but doing great. there is nothing i could do about my poz nature but rather love a fullfilled life which i wish everyone particular this season of celebration. brothers and sisters, lets learn to celebrate every single min we have. it is just one life. neve let anyone put you down. Merry xmas every one

Veronica, Chicago, 2008-12-16 18:30:56
Hello My Sista, There is a regiment for neuropathy that I take found in "Healing HIV" by Jon Kaiser that works. Calcium, Magnesium and Vitamin B. That book is our Bible. You must get it. I'm proud of you too ! Keep being good to yourself .

Mimi, Seattle WA, 2008-12-15 18:10:44
Was very nice reading your article Ms. Brenda Lee Curly.This is really a big strength to a young person like me to this- i a am 32yrs old. Honestly, you look great! I wish i was around Newyork to attend your support group.

jay, london, 2008-12-15 12:51:56
im recentlly diagnosed and reading your story has boosted my strength, you are simply amazing!

Evelyne, Nairobi, 2008-12-15 02:20:28
This is a great inspiration to those of us with the virus and are not willing to come out in public about our status due to stigma. But i hope with people getting enlightened everyday, things will change.

mahogany, , 2008-12-13 08:16:58
I really commend Brenda Lee Curry for the achievements that she has made even through all the ups and downs that she has been through. I too am Hiv+. I was diagnosed in Nov. of 2007 at the age of 40 yrs old as well. I can say within the year of my diagnosis I have came a long way. I just thank god for women like Brenda Lee Curry who gives me the strength to live my life to the fullest as she did and still is doing. she is definitely a courageous woman after all that she's been through.

TIJUAN TOWNSEND, CICERO, 2008-12-13 01:13:34
I WANTED IS YOUR STATUS STILL AT THE HIV STAGE AND YOU STILL MAKE IT TO 63 THATS GREAT

Donna hamilton, toledo, 2008-12-12 18:11:28
what a wonderful story, I think we all have a story, and Im glad you find comfort in sharing yours, with us, that brings me joy, and happiness!!