Charlotte, North Carolina
Positive since 2010

I went to boot camp at Parris Island, South Carolina, in January 2008 to join the United States Marine Corps. I went in knowing I was gay and was proud of it. On February 23, 2010, I was diagnosed with HIV. It was a life-changer for me. I didn’t know where to turn or who to go to. This is the story of what happened to me when, being a gay Marine, I was diagnosed with HIV.

I was on pre-deployment leave for two days when my lieutenant colonel called me. To say the least I was a bit surprised to get a call from my commanding officer. I was told he was flying me back to San Diego the next day due to legal matters. I kind of had an idea at the time but I was not willing to admit it to myself. I never thought that something like this could happen to me. I was scared that this was going to be the last time I saw my family before my first deployment and I only had the chance to spend two days with them.

I arrived in San Diego on February 23, 2010, and was picked up by the duty noncommissioned officer at the airport. I was taken directly to the squadron where I met with my colonel. I was then informed that my pre-deployment blood screening results showed that I had contracted HIV. I was mortified; no words can explain what I was feeling at the time. I wanted to ask God what I had done to deserve this. I had always told myself, since I realized I was gay at age 14, that nothing like this would ever happen to me, and if it did, then I would end it. At the time I was so confused and hurt that I really wanted to end it. I wanted to take my life and put this all in God’s hands.

To make matters worse, after I was told, I was taken directly to the hospital to see an infectious disease doctor even before the news had time to sink in. After I  spoke to my new doctor, I was taken back to the base. I was left in my barracks room for a solid week alone. I had no one to talk to, no support group, and I did not know where to turn. I was alone for the first time I could ever remember. I was scared to tell my parents what was going on because I didn’t want them to hate me or be scared of me. I shut myself off from the world. I started to drink every night to try to numb the pain I was feeling inside. I had nowhere to turn and nowhere to run.

On top of it all I was beating myself up because I was a 24-year-old gay man trying to live in a straight man’s world and act like I was no different than anyone else who joined the Marine Corps. I have learned since that I am not different than anyone else. I am serving my country and doing what I feel like I need to do to better my life and that of my fellow countrymen.

After my first week I started initial evaluations at the Naval Medical Center San Diego (NMCSD). It was a two-week process where I went through classes with other marines and sailors who were in the same situation as me. These classes meant the world to me because they showed me that I was not alone. I was not the only gay man in the military to get HIV. I learned so much through these classes and made a lot of good friends who are still there for me today. I learned everything—how to live with HIV, the different medications available. I learned that this was not the end and that I could live a full life with HIV.

After my two weeks were up at the hospital I was put on two weeks of convalescent leave to give me time to adjust to my diagnosis. I spent those two weeks with a guy in the Navy I had met during my second week of classes. He was there for his yearly evaluations. He and I started dating and sooner than expected I was living with him. Things moved way too fast, and I believe part of it had to do with the fact I didn’t want to be alone. I was still scared.

When my two weeks of leave were up I did not return to work. I told the hospital that I had, and I told work I was still at the hospital. I was scared. I didn’t want to go back. I was scared people were going to find out and judge me. It is hard enough being gay in the Marines, but having HIV made it even harder to keep my personal life my own. I went on an unauthorized absence for two months. It is not something I am proud of but I just couldn’t bring myself to face the people that I had worked with. I was scared.

I finally went back to work and confessed what I had done. It was a hard time for me and one I am not proud of. I was a total mess and once again I didn’t know what to do. The day I went back to work and told them what I had done they took me back to NMCSD and I was placed in the psychiatric ward. I was in the ward for three months because I was scared to face the world and scared to face the fact that I was gay and had HIV.

I finally got discharged and have been picking my life up ever since. I have done things I am not proud of but I truly believe that I am a better person because of the things I have learned. I was medically retired from the Marines in 2011 and moved back to North Carolina where I am currently enrolled in school and perusing a degree in information security technology.

What three adjectives best describe you?
Determined, motivated, ambitious

What is your greatest achievement?
Becoming the person I am today and not letting anything stop me from achieving my goals

What is your greatest regret?
That I was not able to stay in the Marines

What keeps you up at night?
Too much. I tend to let my thoughts overwhelm me at times.

If you could change one thing about living with HIV, what would it be?
The stereotypes that people—especially in the South—face with the virus.

What is the best advice you ever received?
It is OK to have a pity party, but then pick your ass up and get back at it.

What person in the HIV/AIDS community do you most admire?
Anyone who is brave enough to stand up and be proud of who they are

What drives you to do what you do?
Motivation. I don’t want to let this virus control me or my life.

What is your motto?
Be strong. Fight on.

If you had to evacuate your house immediately, what is the one thing you would grab on the way out?
Material processions can be replaced. I would make sure my family and pets are safe.

If you could be any animal, what would you be? And why?
An eagle. I have always dreamed of soaring through the clouds watching the world below.