Hermitage, Tennessee

Positive since 2013

For 25 years, since first moving to New York, I got an HIV test every year. Each time, it came back negative. I always thanked God for the results, knowing that I didn’t use a condom every time or that occasionally one would break.  

In 2013, I moved to Nashville, and within the first few months, I got really sick. At first, I thought it was due to the stress of the move, but I soon became worried the symptoms were awfully close to what was described on the internet as “seroconversion.” I got tested, and this time it came back positive.

I often thought that should I ever become positive, I would just check out: sell my things, slink off to some beach and wait to die (especially when I thought of deceased friends who didn’t make it through the late ’80s and ’90s). But that’s not how it is now. I might also mention that I’ve faced cancer and coronary artery disease, and I still have a heart condition. I believe that previous battles to stay on this planet have helped me achieve my dreams and have kept me here. HIV no longer has the power to stop people from achieving all that they wish. Negotiating treatment is tough. Making sure you have access is tough. But, as my doctor says, it is not as tough as facing eight months of difficult chemotherapy or radiation. HIV is now a manageable (albeit chronic) illness. And for everyone who says it’s just a matter of taking a couple of pills and going on, I say yes it is. I add my HIV pills to an already existent regimen of other pills to take care of health conditions. HIV is certainly not something you’d want to pass on to or wish upon someone, but neither is diabetes, cancer, heart disease or any of the endless streams of illnesses we encounter either by genetic default or luck of the draw.

I have felt the power of the organizations out there like Ryan White, GMHC and amfAR that fought to get needed research into this community to attain a level of HIV management that wasn’t possible 25 years ago. I am grateful for that. I am grateful for every pride event I attended that raised awareness and for every benefit I contributed my time to in the fight against AIDS. Now, I am on the receiving end, and I know how vitally important the struggle and path have become.

My point in writing this is that we all will face adversity as we age, and we all suffer setbacks in our lives. Health is one we often take for granted. For the care providers and organizations that embraced me as someone in a totally new environment, I am eternally grateful. For everyone who reads my story and offers comfort and understanding, I am truly blessed. I have a small support group of friends who helped and continue to help me navigate and go on. The biggest way to get involved and fight against HIV/AIDS is to rally our lives together for the continuation of living so that HIV-positive people are still a part of society. Our dreams and passions of having a wonderful life with a fulfilling job, a loving companion, friends and family are no different from before our HIV diagnosis. Thank God we are told now to begin medication and treat this illness immediately.

I’ve often said that an organism that attacks our immune system is no different from the way many cancers work. Early detection with an immediate protocol for the successful eradication of the disease complete with recombinant DNA therapy is imperative. Now, we are learning to treat this disease no differently. Take it by the horns, put it in proper prospective and go on with your life. I am lucky in many, many ways. As long as we maintain our commitment to doing all we can work with what we’ve got toward good health; regardless of our illness, we have a wonderful outlook ahead of us.

My vision is still intact now. Now my slithering off to a beach is to enjoy it with a piña colada and a lover. My desires to capitalize upon my talents and skills are still on the horizon. As a community, we all need to rally so that each and every one of us can see that vision together. Thank God for the programs, doctors and HIV alumni who have reached out to me saying, “You will be fine.” I am still living a wonderful life.

Kindness, compassion, understanding and acceptance; may we live to embody the spirit with which they are intended for the very survival of our souls.

What three adjectives best describe you?

Funny. Courageous. Tenacious.

What is your greatest achievement?

Beating non-Hodgkin lymphoma.

What is your greatest regret?

Placing so much importance on others’ opinions.

What keeps you up at night?

Not ever having found my one true love or traveling upon life with my constant companion.

If you could change one thing about living with HIV, what would it be?

The very stigma of living with HIV; living in fear of being discriminated because of my status.

What is the best advice you ever received?

You can still have the life you desire while living with HIV.

What person in the HIV/AIDS community do you most admire?

My doctor, Stephen Raffanti, MD, because of his practice and dedication to HIV treatment, and his incredible compassion and accessibility. He is such a smart man.

What drives you to do what you do?

The ability to express my thoughts and emotions through music and just the chance to live in the moment. There is so much before me that is awesome to enjoy without ever having to lift a finger.

What is your motto?

No news is good news (a pre–New Yorker’s attitude after leaving the stress of the Big Apple). I say it when I see an empty mailbox.

If you had to evacuate your house immediately, what is the one thing you would grab on the way out?

I have two that are imperative where one just wouldn’t do: my two dogs.

If you could be any animal, what would you be? And why?

An Aussie shepherd because I would be intelligent, I would love herding cattle and I would be so happy to be with my pack of humans.