Buffalo, New York

Positive since 2014

I live in the beautiful city of Buffalo, New York.

I was raised by my single mother with the help of my sister and brother. I’m the youngest of my siblings. We didn’t grow up in the best or safest neighborhood, but my mom worked hard to keep food in our mouths and a roof over our heads. My sister played a huge role in raising me, as my dad wasn’t around and my mother was always working. We had a lot of help from my dad’s family, though.

My aunt was like a mother figure to me as was my grandmother before she passed away. Times were tough for my mother, who was trying to make ends meet with three kids and no support from our father. He chose a different life at the time—a life that didn’t involve his children. He made decisions not knowing how much they would negatively affect his children’s lives later.

I’ll never forget the time I was 5 years old riding back from the mall with my father after I had a temper tantrum. During the whole ride, my father told me he hated me, that I was a big mistake and that he wished I never existed. Twenty years later, it’s still hard to let those words fade from my memory.

I was diagnosed with HIV in 2014, when I was 23 years old. I won’t ever forget that moment. I had gone to the clinic by myself after months of continuous illness. I subconsciously knew after extensively researching my symptoms that I was HIV positive. It all started with the flu, which I haven’t had since I was a kid despite never having gotten a flu shot. At first, I just assumed it was because of the germ-filled city I was in.

I showed every symptom of HIV in its acute stage. I’m almost certain I got infected during my short time living in New York City. I don’t know who infected me, and personally, I don’t think I want to know. I just hope for their sake and the sake of others that they know their status and are being treated and taking precautions by practicing safer sex.

Everything went downhill after I was diagnosed. I couldn’t hold a job. I was always tired and had no energy or spunk. I was lost. I moved back to Buffalo to get my life back together, but I kept getting sicker. I never felt the way I felt at that time. This was a different kind of sickness. I could literally feel something inside me, a sickness raging in my body.


I’ve faced many struggles since I was diagnosed. I immediately fell into depression. I was actually pretty calm when they first told me my results, but when I left the clinic, I felt like I was just handed a death sentence. My sister was the first person I called. That same night, she and my uncle came to Buffalo to be with me.

Since I was a teenager in high school, I’ve struggled with prescription drug abuse. It was always my crutch, especially when things weren’t going well. It was a temporary fix, a temporary high to make me feel happy. So that’s what I did. I went back to my crutch. The only thing that made me feel good. I was heavily addicted to opiates after my diagnosis, which only made the sickness worse.

I just couldn’t quite wrap my head around the fact that at 23 years old, I was diagnosed with HIV. I felt disgusting, dirty and worthless. I felt like my life had been stripped away and that I had no purpose. I contemplated suicide. I even tried to overdose on the painkillers, but I had built up a pretty high tolerance to the pills.

It was also hard to face the gay community. Not many guys were open to the fact that I was positive. Some were actually pretty cruel about it. Now, I know that they were just uneducated, ignorant and stuck on the stigma. I felt alone. I thought no one would ever accept me for who I was and that people would just define me as HIV positive.

Surprisingly, it didn’t take much time for me to accept that I am HIV positive and to embrace my status. I started going to therapy, which I highly recommend to anyone who is newly diagnosed. It really helped. It was great talking to someone who had no idea who I was. The therapist helped me come to terms with my diagnosis. The more I repeated “I’m HIV positive,” the more I was able to accept it.

I started to turn my life around. I deleted all my druggie contacts from my phone. I immediately deleted any incoming messages pertaining to pills of any sort. I just couldn’t have them in my life anymore because they were too toxic. The worst part about being an addict is that you don’t realize how much you’re hurting your loved ones. If you think you’re being sneaky about what you’re doing, your family and friends will know. They might not say anything at the time, but boy, do they know!

That was it. I sobered up, started antiretroviral therapy and turned my life around. Within four months, I went from a viral load of 130,000 to under 20. I was finally undetectable. Achieving an undetectable viral load was one of the happiest moments of my life. I had worked so hard on getting my life together, and it finally paid off.

Now, almost two years after finding out I’m HIV positive, I couldn’t be happier in my own skin. I’m graduating from college this month and have some hopeful leads on a new job. I just couldn’t be more satisfied with how everything has panned out over the last two years.

I’ve decided to become a spokesmodel not just for myself but also to be a voice for people who are too scared to speak up and who still can’t accept the fact that they’re HIV positive. I want to give hope to the newly infected and be there for anyone who needs help, guidance, acceptance or a shoulder to cry on.

I also want to educate people on how the virus works, how to maintain a suppressed viral load, how to practice safer sex and ways to prevent transmission. I want people to know that our lives are just as boring as anyone else’s. I want to help break the stigma for all generations and create a world where HIV eventually doesn’t exist.

I guess I had it good. My family and friends were more than supportive of me and have stuck by my side since the beginning. I don’t think they understand how much it means to me. I can honestly say that if I didn’t have them in my life, I don’t know where or if I would be today. I’m doing this to help others find acceptance with themselves and to be there when no one else is. I had all the support in the world, and now I think it’s my turn to give back and help.

We all get caught up in our heads during negative situations, but we neglect to realize that we can turn it around and make something positive out of it (no pun intended). At the end of the day, we’re all human. We make mistakes and stupid life choices and get ourselves stuck in situations that could have been avoided. All of our hearts beat and all of us have some purpose for existing. I think I found mine.

What three adjectives best describe you?

Infectious. Contagious. Passionate.

What is your greatest achievement?

My greatest achievement so far is to be able to be a part of an amazing cause fighting the stigma for HIV with the “HIV Stops With Me” campaign.

 

What is your greatest regret?

I live my life with zero regrets. Things happen in our lives for a reason—whether they’re positive or negative. Bad experiences are what make us who we are. I live my life with no regrets at all.

What keeps you up at night?

The only thing that keeps me up at night is the thought of what I want to eat.

If you could change one thing about living with HIV, what would it be?

One thing I need to change about my life while living with HIV is quitting smoking cigarettes. It’s a difficult challenge. The most difficult I’ve endured since I’ve started.

What is the best advice you ever received?

It’s none of my business what other people think of me.

What person in the HIV/AIDS community do you most admire?

I do not have any specifics, as I admire every single person for doing what we know is right and defending our community in helping break the stigma and linking people to care.

What drives you to do what you do?

I was in a very, very bad spot when I was diagnosed at 23. I want to be able to help people get through the challenges that come with being newly infected and to let people know they have support.

What is your motto?

A dream you dream is only a dream. A dream you dream together is a reality.

If you had to evacuate your house immediately, what is the one thing you would grab on the way out?

My cats.

If you could be any animal, what would you be? And why?

I would want to be a bird. I choose to be a bird because they’re free. They can spread their wings and go wherever they please. Their sky is literally the limit. Plus, I’d be able to commute faster.