San Diego, California

Positive since 1996

My name is Priscilla Mahannah, and I am a woman living with HIV. I was born and raised in San Diego, California.

I am sharing my story because my life, like the lives of so many women living with HIV, has been significantly impacted. It is my hope that by sharing my story, you can learn through my life experiences that HIV doesn’t define us. Healing and recovery are possible for all.

My story begins as a little girl, when I lived with my mother, younger sister and stepdad. I did not play much, as I was really busy being my mother’s protector. You see, violence was a regular occurrence in our household, and my mother was beaten almost every night for eight years.

My sister and I were regularly awoken from our sleep due to screaming. Once, I remember that he even tried to drown her. That particular night, the only thing that stopped him from succeeding was that my sister and I woke up and started screaming and pleading for him to stop. Like I said, I was her protector. My mom always says to me that we saved her life in that relationship.

My stepdad was also sexually abusive toward me. I was really afraid of him.

Drugs were a big factor for him and my mom, as they both were heavy meth users. I remember one time when I was in the first grade or so I would walk around class with straws up my nose. I thought that was normal until the school called my mom. I got in a lot of trouble at home for that incident. Other than that, I don’t remember much about school at all.

When I was 9 years old, my mom decided to finally leave my stepdad. We moved into our first new place together: just my mom, my sister and me. My mom became really depressed and tried to commit suicide. When I found her, I called 9-1-1. As I was calling, I was also frantically cleaning the house because I knew I did not want Child Protective Services to come and take my sister and me away and separate our family.

After that, I spent a lot of time with my grandparents. They were my safety net, and their home was the only place I could sleep soundly at night. However, my grandpa ended up passing away shortly after that, and then my grandma died three days later. I remember feeling like I had lost everything. At 9, I had already seen a lot and learned to keep my mouth shut and was already becoming a little adult.

The next few years were filled with chaos and instability. In an effort to get clean, my mom picked up and moved us to Oklahoma, but that didn’t last long. Her then boyfriend up and left, never to be seen or heard from again, so we headed back to San Diego. Luckily, we had a neighbor who saw us as family and allowed us to stay with her and her family when we had nowhere to go.

At age 11, I started smoking pot and drinking. By age 12, I was clubbing in Tijuana with a fake ID, drinking and smoking crystal meth. My sister found out I was using, and I got her high because I did not want her to tell on me. I started to ditch school and get involved with gangs. By this time, my mom had started using again too.

At this point, I thought I was ready for a relationship. By age 13, I thought that I had met the man of my dreams. He was 27 years old. I lost my virginity to him and was in that relationship for two years; he later told me he had AIDS and that he knew about it three years before he met me.

In 1996, at age 14, I was diagnosed with HIV. I stayed in this relationship, and I remember feeling like my life was over. My mom didn’t know how old my boyfriend was. I had told her he was 18. I lied for him because I knew it would soften the blow about how old he was. I also told my mom I gave him HIV, and she believed me.

That relationship did not last much longer. He was emotionally abusive, and we separated when I was 15. He and my family had started using together, and he had moved in, so I moved out. I told my mom that I would never step foot in her house again as long as he was there. To this day, I have not lived with my mom again. I lived from place to place out of a backpack.

At age 16, I got into another relationship with a man who was 36 years old. At this point, I was an intravenous drug user. In this relationship, I was beaten for a whole year, to the point that I was curled up in a ball in a corner and bleeding. Meanwhile, I was in and out of juvenile hall for drugs. I finally left him when I was almost 18 years old. However, the pattern of abuse didn’t stop with this relationship.

I got into another abusive relationship and had a daughter by this man when I was 19 years old. One night, during one of our physical altercations, my daughter woke up. I remember saying to myself, This looks very similar to my life as a child. This marked the beginning of a turning point in my life.

Meanwhile, I found out that the man who gave me HIV had passed away two years earlier. I went to where he was buried, and at the point, for the first time in my life, I forgave him. That moment was truly healing for me.

I stopped taking my HIV meds when I left home at 15 years old. The only time my physician and case manager would see me would be in shackles. They always gave me hope and were nice to me, and that made me want to come in and take care of myself. However, I was not on HIV meds or in care until I found out I was pregnant. After I had my daughter, I stopped taking my meds and sure enough fell out of care.

At 19, I started utilizing services at Christie’s Place. I got a vision of hope there and started to learn about how my life could be different, finally, a sense of normality. These people sparked something in me. I wanted help but was not quite done with the lifestyle I was used to yet.

From 2003 to 2005, I was locked up. This afforded me a lot of time to think things through. While I was incarcerated, I made the decision to leave the abusive relationship I was in with my daughter’s dad. When I was released, I went to a recovery program where I graduated and stayed clean with the help of aftercare and Narcotics Anonymous.

Next, I got into another relationship that was not healthy and had two more daughters. I got out of that relationship in 2013.

Despite the abuse I was enduring, I knew I wanted to help others. I got my first job in a caregiving agency in 2008 and worked there for five years. In 2012, I started working in HIV services as an intervention specialist. Unfortunately, also in 2012, my oldest daughter’s father passed away due to alcoholism. This led to a yearlong relapse on alcohol as I struggled to cope with his death.

Fortunately, my previous sobriety program exposure had instilled a drive for life in me, and I got clean for good on May 4, 2013.

I stayed out of a relationship for one year as suggested and worked on my family and myself.

In 2014, I met the man of my dreams and am proud to say that I am now in a very healthy relationship: the type of relationship that my daughters and I deserve.

In 2015, I landed the job of my dreams as a peer navigator at Christie’s Place for our Change for Women program. As a peer navigator, I get to help women like me every day.

HIV has significantly shaped my life, but it does not define me.

In many ways, it has been a blessing, and now I get to live my passion to help others who have walked in shoes like mine. My journey and everything I have been through was tough, but I have no regrets. I am the person I am because of it, and I am forever grateful for the life I am creating every day.

My story is in dedication to those who have died due to complications from AIDS, to those living with the consequences of violence and abuse, to addicts who have succumbed due to drug use and to the still-suffering addicts. Stay strong.

What three adjectives best describe you?

Empowering, beautiful and amazing.

What is your greatest achievement?

I got clean through a 12-step program, and I have had the pleasure to work in HIV services for the last four years.

What is your greatest regret?

I don’t have any regrets. I am the person I am because of my journey.

What keeps you up at night?

I have worked and continue to work through my trauma.

If you could change one thing about living with HIV, what would it be?

I have had the pleasure of living two lifetimes. I don’t know that I would change a thing living with HIV. HIV lives with me, not me with it.

What is the best advice you ever received?

I think the best advice I have ever received was from a court system that told me about getting clean and helping me with that because at the end of the day it is a choice.

What person in the HIV/AIDS community do you most admire?

Christie Milton-Torres. May she rest in peace because of the legacy she left behind known as Christie’s Place.

What drives you to do what you do?

Hope and heart. I may not have a school PhD, but I have a PhD in life on life’s terms.

What is your motto?

You only live once. Make the best of it and touch as many lives as you can during this beautiful journey.

If you had to evacuate your house immediately, what is the one thing you would grab on the way out?

Pictures—I already have them in a safe place for easy access.

If you could be any animal, what would you be? And why?

I would be in any cat family because they are survivors.