Seattle, Washington

Positive since 2012

One thing I love about working as a peer educator for Project NEON—an HIV-prevention program for gay, bi and trans men affected by crystal meth—is that we all come from very different walks of life. And yet, we fight the same battles and often take a road traveled by many before us.

Everyone has a story. My story led me to meeting two of my biggest NEON peer educator role models. As I sit here thinking about what I should write, I find myself looking back over the last two years with tears in my eyes.

The last two years of my life have been the hardest I’ve ever had—even worse than breaking up with my first love after seven years. I’m telling my story with the hope that one day it might encourage and empower readers to make better choices from the many options life throws at them and not to take the road traveled by many.

On March 1, 2012 (30 days before my 30th birthday), I tested positive for HIV. At first, the idea of having HIV was unreal because I had been in a relationship for the last seven years. But fate has cards it doesn’t always show right away, and I was dealt a terrible hand. My boyfriend had been sleeping with someone he knew was HIV positive. He even knew that he himself was positive, but he failed to tell me this huge bit of information.

Because I had spent the last seven years with him, I let my boyfriend put everything in his name: our apartment lease, bank accounts, everything. And even though I should have seen it coming from a mile away, he did the one thing I was not expecting. He took everything that was ours away from me. He snatched the apartment from right under my feet. He emptied out the bank accounts and left me with nothing. I was homeless and on the streets with my cat “KT” (King Tut).

This chain of events proved to be too much for me to handle, and I attempted suicide. That’s when things got real for me. Way too real. I was lying in the hospital giving up and not fighting.

The only thing that kept me pushing and hopeful was KT. From the very first day I saw him at the adoption center, I knew KT was my soul mate. I didn’t choose him. He chose me. He was the last thing I had that I could actually say was mine. My ex had taken everything else from me. Little did I know, my last lifeline was also about to be taken away from me.

Lying in the hospital, I got a phone call from a supposed friend who had been watching KT. As I listened to the crock-of-shit story he was telling me over the phone, the words “I traded KT” blasted like fireworks in my ears. I about lost my noodle right there lying in that bed. I pulled myself together and asked, “What did you trade him for?” He mumbled, “One crystal meth rock.”

Yes, I lost my noodle. Over the next four months, I made five unsuccessful suicide attempts that left me sitting in a rubber room because I had been deemed a hazard to myself.

I was alone, weak (mentally as well as physically) and HIV positive. I had pretty much given up on life and was drowning in my depression. I had no will to live. My weight dropped to a staggering 99 pounds. The last time I weighed double digits, I was still in junior high. I had no appetite whatsoever. I went days without eating anything, and my body was fighting back. It was time for God to slap the shit out of me spiritually and say, “Wake up child! What the fuck are you doing?”

After 160 days, I was released from the rubber room and returned to the cold lonely homeless streets. Thanks to God’s unconditional love, I had made up my mind that I was not going out like that. I was going to make the best of my life and live. To this day, I have no idea where KT is, even after several failed attempts to find him. I was in no position to care for him or give him the love and attention he deserved and needed, so I eventually stopped looking for him. I hope he’s alive and being taken care of. He will always be in my heart, and I doubt I’ll ever get another cat.


Three months out of my psych evaluation, my caseworker sent me to Bailey-Boushay House (BBH) in the Madison Valley area of Seattle. The only thing I knew about the place was that HIV-positive people went there to die. I was terrified. On the bus there, I was sitting alone and bawling. I was about to make the first step toward my new world, but I was on the verge of breaking down. I could not fall apart. Not now. Not ever.

I stepped off the bus, and my heart stopped. I just stood there, not breathing, feeling motionless, devastated and alone. This trip to BBH also meant I was about to start taking my ARVs (antiretrovirals). Once I started, I could not stop taking them. There was no turning back now as I walked in the door. As I glanced around the room, I noticed one person I knew. That person and I no longer talk, but that’s OK because he introduced me to one person who would become the friend I needed in my life.

Ebony was honest and up-front, no bullshit. We liked a lot of the same music. I even nicknamed him “Diana” after Diana Ross, whom we both adore. Ebony came into my life and has been by my side every step of the way. Through Ebony, I met Terry, and I developed a bond with him as well. After hearing me stressing over money, Terry suggested I call Morgan at Project NEON. I had never heard of Project NEON, but both Terry and Ebony worked there, and they strongly encouraged me to contact Morgan. It was the best move I made. Ebony and Terry are my Project NEON role models, and I feel a great deal of gratitude and love toward them. They are the best friends a boy could ever ask for. They have both touched my heart in ways no words could ever describe. All I can say is, “Thank you for being a friend.” They have taught me so much about life, as well as Project NEON, and, most important, they helped me find my voice through laughter. Laughter is great, and it warms the heart and brightens the darkest days. If it weren’t for Ebony and Terry, I would never have been introduced to Project NEON and probably would still be heavily using drugs.

Well the rest is, indeed, history, and I was fortunate to find what I was looking for: an opportunity to help other gay, bisexual and trans men find their inner voices and sing a rainbow of harm reduction, recovery and sobriety. Through Project NEON, I have the tools I need to make an impact in the community. Through networking, we teach our peers harm reduction for their safety, as well as the safety of others. Through education and the distribution of supplies for safer sex and safer injecting, we decrease the number of HIV-positive men within our community. Word of mouth is our strongest tool. It lightens my heart when I see a contact [client] yell at one of their friends about how they are about to inject crystal meth, and then that contact shows them friend the proper and safe way to do so. I’m right there to encourage and support them. I’ve also sat with several contacts who wanted to take an at-home HIV test but wanted me to stay with them when they read the results. I even go with several contacts to the STD clinic to get tested for STDs and HIV. I provide emotional and peer-to-peer support. When I see my hard work and efforts affecting others in a positive way, I feel inspired and encouraged.

Through Project NEON and my role as a peer educator, my own drug use has decreased a great deal. I’ll be going to chemical dependency counseling at Seattle Counseling Service, which is free through Project NEON. That’s just another reason why Project NEON rocks.

Since joining NEON, my courage and strength in discussing my status have increased immensely. It’s much easier now knowing that I’m not alone. I hope my story will help others know they aren’t alone. My confidence and self-esteem have also gone up. Not having the courage to discuss your HIV status can be a roadblock in life, but it doesn’t have to be. Because of NEON, I’ve started to pay attention to neglected areas of my life (like making art, etc.). No one should have to travel these roads alone. As a peer educator, I’ll be there to offer support, up-to-date harm reduction information and encouragement to help others take the first steps in putting a stop to the spread of HIV. Harm reduction can be applied to everyday living, not just drug use. HIV can happen to anyone in any age range. I was diagnosed in my early 30s. That’s why we need harm reduction: to show individuals how to make safer choices. You always have the option.

I want to stress that no matter how alone you feel, you are not alone. If you ever need someone to talk to about harm reduction and/or safer sex practices, I encourage you to contact your local peer educators. We cast judgment upon no one, and we don’t force or push recovery, safer sex or safer injecting. We simply encourage and educate. It’s up to you what you do next, and everything that is discussed between peer educators and contacts is strictly confidential.

I challenge the reader to get tested every two to three months and know your status.

Only you can stop HIV. It stops with you and me.

What three adjectives best describe you?

Beautiful. Heroic. Fortunate.

What is your greatest achievement?

This very moment. Sharing my story with the world in hopes that someone somewhere will be encouraged and empowered to make life-changing choices, and put a stop to HIV. Keep calm and reduce harm!

What is your greatest regret?

My greatest regret is that in 2008, my meth addiction destroyed the relationship with my best friend, Luke. We haven’t spoken since that day. It has left me with a huge empty place in my heart and my life.

What keeps you up at night?

I have a phobia of death and dying. I think about death often, several times a day. It cripples me and prevents me from getting a good night’s sleep because I’m terrified that I just might not wake up.

If you could change one thing about living with HIV, what would it be?

Education. I would do even more than I already do to ensure that all people—gay, straight, bi, male, female, trans—are fully educated about HIV. Education is our biggest weapon against fighting HIV.

What is the best advice you ever received?

Once while lying in the hospital after a suicide attempt a male nurse told me, “Don’t give up. Your soul is too beautiful to let something like this keep you down.” I’ll never forget.

What person in the HIV/AIDS community do you most admire?

My boss, Aleks Martin. I cannot put into words how much he has helped guide me during the 11 years I’ve known him. He’s never let me down and doesn’t sugarcoat anything.

What drives you to do what you do?

The mistakes I’ve made in my life. It’s what drives me to push to help others not to make the same mistakes. And saving lives one at a time.

What is your motto?

“I believe the children are our future. Teach them well, and let them lead the way. Show them all the beauty they posses inside.”—Whitney Houston

If you had to evacuate your house immediately, what is the one thing you would grab on the way out?

My collection of Janet Jackson and Whitney Houston vinyl records.

If you could be any animal, what would you be? And why?

A lion because it is the king of the jungle and fearless.