Like Criswell, who predicted the future to a “t”, which is to say he did so terribly (“...And I predict that our local American doctors will go on strike, and be replaced by African witch doctors!”), I will attempt to make my own weekend predictions in regard to sports and politics.
I have not watched TV today, so I haven’t seen exit polling or any cable news nonsense. My mind is clear, and I am channeling a vision of a distant, distant future: Sunday night.
I see winners. And I see losers. I see the great attributes and condolences of victories established... victories as yet unseen by the human eye! And I share these visions with... YOU!
Unlike Criswell, I will stand accountable for all predictions on Monday.
Nevada Democratic Caucus
Shawn’s Prediction: Barack Obama (41%)
Because Barack admitted a real weakness at the last debate. And, in reference to Bill Clinton’s silly statement about Obama a couple of months ago, what better setting is there to “roll the dice” on Obama than Las Vegas?
BOXING Roy Jones Jr. VS. Felix Trinidad
Imagine you just saw your best friend pummel his little brother, who cried in his daddy’s arm. Now, imagine that same boy is moving up in weight to fight you, adding fat to compete with your natural muscle?
Now, imagine you are Roy Jones Jr. fighting Felix Trinidad.
ACTUAL RESULT: Roy Jones Jr. drops Trinidad twice, and wins a 12-round unanimous decision. But the real victory goes to Shawn: he’s 2-0!
SUNDAY PREDICTIONS NFC and AFC Playoffs
New England Patriots VS. San Diego Chargers
WINNER: Patriots 30-7
Imagine you just saw your best friend’s little brother win a fight. In this fight, he was pummeled beyond recognition. You know this because your dad videotaped the fight, and reviewed strategies with you the day after it happened.
Your friend’s little brother is a scrappy kid, and he approaches you with one arm in a sling, challenging you to a fight: you haven’t lost a fight in a real long time.
ACTUAL RESULT: New England 21 San Diego 12
Q: What do Shawn and Tom Brady have in common?
A: They’ve both been romantically linked to supermodel Giselle. Oh, and they are both undefeated this year. 3-0 on the predictions, baby.
Green Bay Packers VS. New York Giants
WINNER: Packers 20-17
Football is rigged, and the NFL and it’s sponsors have way to much money to be made with Brett Favre- the star of the hit Hollywood film, There’s Something About Mary- in the Super Bowl.
Football will not be taken seriously as long as the NFL continues to reward actors instead of athletes who have paid their dues.
ACTUAL RESULT: New York 23 Green Bay 20
It’s all my fault: the coach for the Packers is probably an avid reader of this blog, and he thought he only needed the 20 points I predicted to win. Hey, wait... I got Green Bay’s score right on the nose... that’s a victory of sorts, right?
4-0 for the Decker. A clean sweep!
“”The day is gone, the night is upon us...And the moon, which controls all of the underworld, once again shines...in radiant contentment." - Criswell