Homo: I know we decided to see this movie because it’s the 21st anniversary of your pet virus, but I didn’t spend my hours counting cards. I spent them counting the minutes I would never get back. I’m beginning to think that anything these days with Kevin Spacey is sure to suck.
Hemo: Damn, I haven’t bought my ticket yet- I’m thinking about folding this hand. The prequel craze is on tilt, anyway, and I for one do not need to know what happened before Jim Carrey’s 23, thank you very much.
Homo: No, bleeder. This one is based on a true story -- a book I read and enjoyed. But Hollywood took out all the reality.
Hemo: Isn’t that what Hollywood’s there for?
Homo: 21 is about a numbers genius from MIT who gets co-opted into becoming a member of a gang of card counters, one of which is the sexiest girl in school...
Hemo: I bet the Crips were shaking in their boots.
Homo: This gang flies over Compton on their way to Vegas, where they enjoy weekends of winning lots of money for Kevin Spacey. You can always count on Hollywood to make something better than reality.
Hemo: So why on Earth would a gang of pale-faces make money for Kevin Spacey?
Homo: Because he needs the dead Benjamins for Harvard and, apparently, the poor genius doesn’t know how to fill out a form for a student loan.
Hemo: Well, he was probably too old to get a basketball scholarship.
Homo: What? No, nimrod: Kevin Spacey is the professor leading the gang, not a student member of the gang. It’s the boy who becomes seduced by Vegas.
Hemo: What about the sexy girl?
Homo: They have a G-Rated love scene.
Hemo: Let me guess... it happens in a hot tub at the Palms? I already saw that on the Real (Lame) World. So life is good for the pretty boy gang member, and...
Homo: Until he finally- shocker!- has a real bad night at the tables...
Hemo: ...and gets obsessed with the number 21, right? He puts all of Kevin Spacey’s winnings -- plus everything he owns and cares about -- on the number 21 on the Roulette wheel... it spins, the ball pops around... and then... BAM! The number 23 comes up. Jim Carrey is the pit boss, you have to see the movie twenty-one times to notice him in the background, hence the name of the film.
Homo: Then Laurence Fishburn ties him to a chair and beats him up.
Hemo: The Crips to the rescue! I’m about to move All-In on this one and buy that ticket. It’s the only way I’ll understand 22 when it comes out.
Homo: No! Cash out now! Although 21 really makes me wonder what they’d do with our inspiring, real-life story of two guys with AIDS reviewing movies. And how we’d have to promote it: Did you see that Jim Carrey had to dress in an elephant outfit at American Idol to promote Horton Hears a Who?
Hemo: I missed that major step down from talking out of one’s bunghole. I bet Hollywood would call our story Homo Hears a Hemo. It would be about a world of gay men who ignore the plight of the platelet-challenged...
Homo: ... until the pink homo with big ears- me!- stands by his side. Craddling the fragile hemo close to his chest.
Hemo: Yes! Brother to brother, they stand back to back, fending off the haters and counting out their life-saving HIV pills instead of cards.
Homo: And Hollywood film producers would count their cash and continue the fine tradition of turning a great book into a crappy film.
Hemo: Speaking of great books, our review of The Hours really made My Pet Virus. Now available at your local bookstore!
Homo: Sales a bit slow?
Hemo: You nailed it. So, what’s your final say on the movie 21? Do you think people without AIDS will respond the same way you did?
Homo: Yes. And I’d rather play Russian Roulette in a giant pink elephant costume then have to see this one again.
The Hemo2Homo Connection’s creators met online in 1996, and posted their first movie review in 1998. Both have been living with HIV for over twenty years, and have annoyed their friends and loved ones for longer than that. Steve Schalchlin resides in Los Angeles, CA. He is an award-winning musician, singer and songwriter. Shawn Decker lives in Charlottesville, VA. He is an HIV/AIDS educator and the author of My Pet Virus.