The X-Men Origins: WOLVERINE Review
Hemo: Hey Homo, everyone’s all like, "Have you seen Star Trek? Have you? Huh?" It’s a recession, and I’m still counting my dollars trying to figure out if I’m going to see the Wolverine movie...
Homo: I’ve never been so disappointed in a movie in my life.
Hemo: See? Good thing I didn’t rush out to see Star Trek...
Homo: No, I’m talking about Wolverine. You know, positoid, that I am a lifelong X-Men fan. Growing up, they were the superhero gays that I couldn’t be. I even put this into a song in The Big Voice. The first two X-Men movies were so good, especially the second one, because the filmmaker knew what most comic readers know: It ain’t about the action. It’s about the characters.
Hemo: Yes! That’s why Watchmen was so good.
Homo: Exactly. Your mutant abilities are finally forming, Hemo. But in X-Men Origins: Wolverine, they manage to take all the mystery out of Wolverine, reducing him to a whiny little bitch, running around afraid of his big, bad older brother...
Hemo: Maybe in part two of Origins they reveal that Wolverine was born a Thinblood? It’s scary being a little brother with a bleeding disorder, knowing that at any time your big bro can erase you from existence.
Homo: That’s how it is for all little brothers. In this, he’s trying so hard to be a nice guy: THAT IS NOT WOLVERINE. That’s a whiny little bitch who hates being all mean and stuff. Where’s the fun? Where are the wisecracks? WHERE IS WOLVERINE??
So, having drained all the blood out of Wolverine, we’re treated to a movie that looks like it was made from stock footage from other “action movies” with Hugh Jackman’s face painted on the “hero.”
Tacky, dull, stodgy.
Not only that, but it’s the kind of movie where you are saying the cliched lines of dialogue along with the actors on the screen because there’s not a single original thought being expressed. And, but, for an origin story, we don’t really learn anything about what drives him. There’s a generic falling in love story. Bad guys kill the girl / must get revenge plot. But you don’t really know the girl and you don’t really fall in love with their relationship.
Have I mentioned how angry this makes me?
Hemo: Not to my knowledge.
Homo: Wolverine is a great character. It’s not right for him to be the SECOND BADDEST GUY in the story. And who’s the bigger, badder guy? My most unfavorite character in the Marvel Universe whose “power” is that his fingernails grow really long. I saw that on RuPaul’s Drag Race. I don’t need it in a super not-quite-villain whose motivations are also fuzzier than a homeless man’s belly button.
Shall I tell you how much I loathed this movie, Hemo?
Hemo: Be like the old Wolverine, don’t pull any punches!
Homo: I walked out during the end credits. Not because of low t-cells or anything- I just didn’t care about the extra scene.
Hemo: Sounds like this film should be sent off on the Starship Enterprise, to be reviewed in a future not so far away by the Mystery Science Theatre 3000 guys. Thanks for saving me some money, sorry your heroes let you down.
Wanna know a hero who never let Steve of the Hemo2Homo Connection down? Dom DeLuise. This review is dedicated to the actor’s memory, who passed this month at the age of 75.
"Jim and I are heartbroken. Dom was one of the nicest persons to me. When we met, I think I was very ill at the time. We were invited to a family picnic. I was just treated like one of the family. As he became increasingly immobile, we would see Carol, but never Dom. He was a genuinely hilarious comedian."
- Steve Schalchlin