HOMO: I know why you wanted to see this. Big homosexual terrorizes the public at large! It’s because you thought it was a horror film -- “Saw” for straight men.
HEMO: Actually I thought Bruno was the a wrestling biopic for Bruno Sammartino. When I found out it wasn’t, I decided not to go.
HOMO: You flaked on me again?
HEMO: I was totally busy this past weekend, playing an HIV benefit with my synthpop trio. MAC artists were there, and they totally made me up in guyliner, check it out.
HOMO: Mmmmm, hmmmm... say, what band did you meet through the Make-A-Wish Foundation back in 1990? Was that Guns N’ Roses? Motley Crue? Bananarama?
HEMO: No, Depeche Mode. What are you getting at?
HOMO: Well, I don’t want to say you look a little gay or anything, but not even Bruno wore that much eyeliner... When I first heard that there would be this insane movie about a totally exaggerated, offensive gay stereotype running around scaring straight people, I was waiting for the scene where he asks Carrie Prejean about gay marriage and then calls her names in an insane rant equal only to “Leave Britney alone.”
HEMO: Leave Hemo alone!
HOMO: But it wasn’t Perez Hilton they were talking about- it was that fake Austrian oversexed sissy who once asked a skinhead, "Are there any of you who aren’t gay?"
HEMO: Not even Bruno Sammartino would say that to a skinhead.
HOMO: I thought, “What could Bruno do that’s worse than Perez, a guy who makes Ross the Intern look like Johnny Carson?”
HEMO: Wait- did the Latoya Jackson scene make it in? He asked her to talk like Michael because that way he could say he interviewed the legend.
HOMO: NO! See what I mean? This is Bruno Lite. They took that scene out. It doesn’t matter. After seeing the film, I realized that it has the same plot as the Kathy Griffin Show, trying to get famous every week, except Life on the D List is much, MUCH gayer.
HEMO: That’s one of my favorites. On the most recent episode, she went off on Reagan for not saying “AIDS” for so long after someone gave her a jelly bean.
HOMO: See, she’s a lot funnier than Bruno, who’s a bit of a hum ho. I mean if you’re gonna do shock comedy, does anyone really think that Bruno is even REMOTELY as outrageous as Divine...
HEMO: What does that hooker that Hugh Grant banged a decade ago have to do with this?
HOMO: Okay, maybe you’re not gay, thinblood. John Waters’ Divine, who picked up a piece of dog crap and ate it, and who had a character who chained lesbians in a basement so she could sell the babies.
My biggest problem with Bruno is that very few of the people they ridicule are showing homophobia. Most of them are just reacting to someone putting a dildo in their face in public, or someone would trade a baby for an iPod. You don’t have to be homophobic to hate that. I don’t know who he’s skewering.
Or does it matter?
HEMO: It matters. I would have been there on opening night if his MTV Movie Awards show stunt with Eminem wasn’t totally staged. I mean, it makes sense to drop your balls in a rapper’s face unexpectedly, right? Em was great, acting offended, but he and MTV were in on the whole thing.
Which means that, despite Bruno’s balls being in Eminem’s face, the entire stunt had no real balls to speak of.
HOMO: Exactly. Hell, even the big scene at the end with all the wrestlers going nuts over “a same sex kiss.” Well, no. It wasn’t a kiss. It was a full-on sex scene with a guy who wasn’t that cute. I was just as turned off by it as the so-called redneck haters.
HEMO: So, you think they were rioting because they found out they weren’t starring in Bruno Sammartino?
HOMO: I don’t know. How cute is he? Given how gay wrestling is -- big sweaty guys, doing S&M sex for pay -- I wouldn’t want to miss that.
HEMO: Here he is.
HOMO: Never mind.
HEMO: So, how do you rate Bruno?
HOMO: Kinda funny, but not as gay, or as edgy, as the Republican Senate.
Steve’s Pick: If you want to see the scariest movie of the year, go see “The Hurt Locker.” It’s only showing in parts of the country, but this is the movie that will have you on the edge of your seat, and should be nominated for best movie Oscar.
The creators/stars of the Hemo2Homo Connection met online in 1996, and posted their first movie review in 1998. Both have been living with HIV for over twenty years, and have annoyed their friends and loved ones for much longer than that.
Steve Schalchlin (“Homo”) resides in Los Angeles, CA. He is an award-winning musician, singer and songwriter. Shawn Decker (“Hemo”) lives in Charlottesville, VA. He is an HIV/AIDS educator and the author of My Pet Virus.