hemo2homo.jpgHomo: So, positoid. I thought we should discuss the Oscars. I was amazed that most of the winners had very deep accents. What parts of America were they from, anyway?  Ain’t this supposed to be the AMERICAN movie awards?

Hemo: I’m not talking to you anymore.

Homo:  Why?

Hemo:  Read my blog.

Homo: You have a blog? Hold on. Hmmmm. Oh, I see someone’s little ego is bruised because Homo beat his socks off in the predictions game. And you’re blaming it on your cold?

Hemo:  I learned blogging from watching you!  And, yes, I was all out of sorts.  I didn’t even know Daniel Day Lewis was up for anything until you mentioned him.

Homo:  Well I think you should blame it on your week on/week off med regimen. That virus is bouncing around your body all pissed off. Up and down. Up and down. Poor little thing.

Hemo:  My virus is like Cuba Gooding Jr. when he won back in the day. 

Homo:  Look, young one. Let’s be honest here. When your answer to every category is “Rambo,” I don’t really think you can expect good results.  Especially Sylvester Stallone as Best Actress in a Leading Role.


Hemo:  I guess so.  And positoids should support other positoids, no matter what.  So what did you think of your amazing run this year?


Homo:  I was so happy for Marion Cotillard, nothing else mattered to me. But, yeah, I am impressed with myself.

Hemo: Okay, okay... now let’s talk about the show itself.

Homo:  Except for that Black choir, that was the single Whitest television show I’ve seen since Laurence Welk. I felt like I was in a time warp. They even forgot they used to have a Black host. Whoopi just got erased from picture.

Hemo:  Did you notice they left Brad Renfro off the Death List?  Probably because he was in an AIDS movie - The Cure - and AIDS isn’t that cool in Hollywood anymore.

Homo: Oh, my god. You’re right. We homos got a nod with the whole Heath Ledger thing even though he wasn’t, you know, gay. I wonder if he was a thinblood and somehow the drugs overwhelmed his red blood count?

Hemo:  I bet he was thinblooded... it’s a big secret in Hollywood.  James Dean?  Thinblood.  Died in a horrific straight razor shaving accident; wasn’t deemed a cool way to go, hence the cover-up.  Same thing with Belushi. Damn you Hollywood folks and you’re hemophobia!  We thinbloods are a lot of fun.

Homo:  Maybe, but it didn’t look like anybody was actually having any fun at the Oscars: nobody got drunk, or did anything especially interesting or stupid. Well, except for Gary Busey, but he doesn’t count.

Hemo:  Busey was robbed back in ’89.  Hider In The House was awesome. 


Homo:  Hider In The ... huh?? We’ve been doing this for how long now?  A decade?  You haven’t learned a damn thing about movies, have you?


Hemo:  Look at the poster for this movie.  Look into Busey’s eyes.  Tell me that’s not acting.

The Hemo2Homo Connection are Shawn Decker and Steve Schalchlin.

The Hemo2Homo Connection’s creators met online in 1996, and posted their first movie review in 1998. Both have been living with HIV for over twenty years, and have annoyed their friends and loved ones for longer than that.  Steve Schalchlin resides in Los Angeles, CA. He is an award-winning musician, singer and songwriter. Shawn Decker lives in Charlottesville, VA. He is the author of My Pet Virus.