At the peak of a Christmas party I was attending, Donny Hathaway’s “This Christmas” drowned out all of the noise of the guests and kin, it was as if the lyrics were dancing in my ears communing with me:

Hang all the mistletoe
I’m gonna get to know you better, this Christmas
And as we trim the tree
How much fun it’s gonna be together, this Christmas

Fireside is blazing bright
We’re caroling through the night
And this Christmas will be
Very special Christmas for me

In this place, where couples were mingling and the laughter contagious, I stepped outside on the patio to catch my breath from the overwhelming sense of perfect love, “Merry Christmas”, I whispered to myself, a tear falling from my face into the snow.

The crackling sound of the fire in the pit and the aroma of holiday warmed my nostrils. It was about 30 degrees with snow flurries. The clouds passed over the moon with hallows of yellow and Ganymede tones. This fresh sound of hydration from a heated waterfall on the southeast wall of the garden tickled my ears. A tad bit cold but enjoying the sting of winter nipping my ear lobes, it made me oddly smile, “Oh this winter chill”, I heard myself whisper.  The good controllable stings in life we can manage---thoughts of “I’m alive, healthy and standing strong at the young age of 29, I still find watching the snow fall to be cool, child like, and amusing....”, I heard my boots make an orchestra of music with the snow mixed with ice ensemble. I could see my breathe forming in front of my face as a temporary obstructed view of fog, I could now, more than ever, feel my breathe in this place with all these elements as the moon hovered over me like a night light-- I faced eastward. In this intimate relationship with the rudiments around me, I became awakened unto this positive dating journey I had been on for more than 6 years.  A place where taking spontaneous “field trips” outside my comfort zone allowed me to understand there can be beauty at different points of breathing. Hiking to the highest point on a mountain in Port Au Prince, Haiti where the air is crisp and dense or watching the sun rise in Sunny California at Runyon Canyon where the air is misty and fragrant with the colors of melon and cantaloupe.

 I learned on this journey thus far relationships are about the encounters and experiences. Without new ones, habits form and fortresses are erected causing a “limit” on the relationship. This holiday season was truly turning out to be a very special Christmas to me. A Hope filled Christmas after all. I left this holiday party on an upbeat vibe. I felt good, it felt right, for after all I knew it was the Holiday Hope. 36 hours after leaving the Christmas bash, I received an email that would change my outlook on the holiday season forever. Like literally! An email that said,“ there is a woman you met months prior who needs to speak with you, Nadine Mckinnor”. Nadine co-wrote the holiday hit song “This Christmas” sung by the great Donny Hathaway. As we connected, this Holiday Hope was so evident, it was overwhelming. Why is this Holiday Hope so important? Because it allowed me to reflect on the intimate space I entered on the patio at the Holiday party, as the lyrics sung,, "I’m gonna get to know you better, this Christmas...How much fun it’s gonna be together, this Christmas."   I knew my wholeness would began the moment I surrendered the part of me I couldn’t let go... my past burdens.

 

 6 years ago, I would not had attended a holiday party.  6 years ago, I would not have adventured outside to enjoy the essentials of this holiday cheer. 6 years ago, I tested positive for HIV. 6 years ago, the internal war began fighting this goliath called shame. 6 years ago, I became positive and single. 6 years ago, I became a positive single. I’ve taken the term “positive single” as an avenue to share my story with those who have dealt with the holiday chill of being single and positive around these jovial times.6 years ago, I would have been embarrassed to talk about the many failed romantic relationships I had encountered based on my lack of self esteem and commitment to honoring thyself.  As I march into year #7, I am officially smitten to the fact that I had to get to know myself better, before someone could love me the way I needed to be loved. I finally found a niche online dating site that makes sense for my lifestyle. PositiveSingles.com is an online community where people with STDs can find support -- and a chance at romance. As I make the home stretch into year #7 PositiveSingles.com has provided many tools for me as a single man to be encouraged by a community and to encourage.

 

What’s the holiday hope I have to share with you today? As Nadine said to me, in a small still voice, “Hope---No one is your enemy, No one if your friend, everyone is your teacher.”  This Christmas, if you are single, positive or negative, enjoy the fruits of your labor. Empower yourself to step outside your comfort zone and get to know yourself a little better. If you are alone this holiday season or with family and friends, upload and play “This Christmas.” Bundle up and go for a walk around your neighborhood, go to the movies,  find a local coffee house and grab a hot chocolate and enjoy the energy of life. By any means, do something that you can say, “I had fun this Christmas.” Many times, we are dealt lists and demands of what others want, but I submit to you, put some logs in your own fire and light up your season with hope. As Nadine, wonderfully stated, “You know there are rainbows in the dark!” I now realize the one sure way to see these rainbows is to keep your fire burning so those who are dim in this season can see hope in a hopeless space.

Friends, this is a glorious day, a blessed day, a positive day. Receive this Holiday Hope, receive “This Christmas.”