Wow, things have changed on the blogs I see. New faces and a new design, well, I did get the memo from Peter so it’s not really that much of a shocker but nice. I had stopped blogging for a few because I actually ran out of things to talk about. Yeah, imagine that, I know.  I am back now and this may be the longest entry I have ever posted. I have a lot that I need to get off my chest. This entry is open for comment like always. So, just sit back and soak it all in if you can.

Since my last entry I have been doing a lot. I finally got the car up and running. I started back to trying to date again. I have even started exercising, working my way towards getting a membership somewhere. But I have to remember baby steps. I have even started back taking my meds. Now all these things sound wonderful I know but they each have caused me some type of setback.

Let’s go in order and start with the car. The car was originally given to me on loan, it was meant for my godson when he graduates in June. When the car was given to me, it was not running at all. But as a graduation gift to my godson, I was going to get it fixed so he could have it when he graduates. Until then it would be in my possession to do as I please. Long story short, I put a lot of money into this car with the agreement from my best or I should say use to be best friend, that she would pay it back. And she did. But then my godson wanted to go take his test for the permit. I had no problem with that, I took him. But I knew what was coming next, he wanted to drive. I was in the car with him when he did but I knew I couldn’t always be there. So, I told him in order to drive without me, he had to have a licensed driver.

Of course, I started getting the calls of wanting to use the car. I hardly ever said no unless there was something that I needed to do.Long story short once again, I let my godson use the car one night in November to go out with his friends. Later that same night, I get a call from the best friend saying that he got into an accident. Not with another car, thank the Goddess but with a curb. He hit it so hard that he basically tore the exhaust system off the car.Now mind you, I know it could’ve been worse. But I still couldn’t help being a bit pissed off. I kept myself in check. I simply said that I would not be paying for the car to get fixed . I knew the car would not get fixed as quick as I could get it fixed. Waiting on it to get fixed or I should say just for what we thought was one part took three months. Yet, I did not complain because it was the beginning of winter and I don’t like driving.

The thing about my best friend is that she’s a cheapskate. There’s no other way I can put it. I mean I like to save a few pennies when I can. Then there are times you just have to bite the bullet and make sacrifices. Especially when it comes to a car.  I was even honest with her and told her, with her income there was no way she could maintain a car. It went in one ear  and out the other. And here I thought I was the deaf one but I saw my words fall on deaf ears.

I even tried to let her do things her way. All she was willing to pay someone was eighty dollars to do the job. The kicker was that whoever it was couldn’t even get paid at once. They had to accept the payment in installments. I thought she was crazy because there are not many people that would do the work for that amount. But to my surprise, she did find someone. But the person she found to do the job got into a car accident on his way to fix the car. Now I don’t know if that was a case of karma or shit happens. But who does she call to play Captain Save A Ho? Yours, truly, of course.

At this point, I am clueless because I don’t know anyone who is willing to do the job that cheap.But also frustrated because I knew in the pit of my stomach that I was going to end up having to pay. Just when I was ready to give up, a friend of mine came to my rescue. He knew someone who was willing to do the job even with the installment plan. He was aware of the situation with the car considering he was the one who helped me to get it legal and running. He even went beyond the call of duty and paid for the extra parts that was needed. Needless to say, I was overjoyed. I thought my best friend would be too.....WRONG!!!!

She had the nerve to be pissed off because the car needed the parts. But more pissed off that my friend bought the parts. Even though he was willing to work out a payment plan with her. We had a blowout on the phone, profanity flying every where. I was furious. I ran out of profanities and simply hung up on her. We have not spoken since. I believe it is going on a month now.

I just can’t believe how ungrateful she is being. I refuse to budge or bend when we all were bending over backwards for her in the first place. Now it’s either she pays for the parts or I keep the car. There is nothing she can do legally since everything is in my name anyway.

Dating? When the hell did dating become so damn hard? Is it because I am older or is it this computer age. You don’t have to show face anymore. You can just email, IM, text or join MySpace.But then I stopped showing face as in club hopping and bars a long time ago. I decided to get with it and join some sites. I guess for kicks and giggles to see if I would get a few nibbles. Surprisingly, I did. From four guys----two from dating sites and two from MySpace.

As with dating, it always starts out good.You talk daily in the beginning maybe even meet. But eventually ends up going to hell in a handbasket. For privacy purposes I will just use the first initial of these men’s names.

The first one was R. I met him on MySpace, he had sent me an email. I must admit, he was honest. He had a gf. So, of course I knew this was going no where but I still went on with it. In the beginning we were seeing each other everyday. That soon dwindled to twice a week, I wasn’t complaining. Then things soon came to a screeching halt. No more IMs, no more visits, nothing, he could have at least sent me a “DEAR JANE” email. I was pissed. Yeah, a little bit at him for taking the bitch’s way out, he could’ve been a man about it. But I am more mad at myself for being weak and putting myself in that situation.

Bachelor number two was O. I met him on a dating site. He responded to my ad. Same thing as before, IMing like crazy except this one went a step further. We exchanged phone numbers. He would call daily. And I would always say, I hate to see what his phone bill looked like. But once again it also went downhill though he lasted longer than R.

When the calls first started slacking, I thought maybe he was seeing someone else. But through an IM, I was told that I was not making enough of an effort. Ok, I can take criticism. I looked at it from his P.O.V.(point of view). He was right especially when it came to the phone calls. So, I decided to start calling him. Every effort made was met with his voicemail. And when I did luck up and reach him to talk about it. The excuse was he was busy. I considered that to be a polite blowoff. Maybe he was having a hard time ending it so I took the iniative and tried to end it. At that time, he wouldn’t have it. But for some reason he has pulled a Houdini and disappeared in a cloud of smoke. And once again, no “DEAR JANE” letter.

Bachelor number three was D. I met him on Poz Personals. In my eyes, that put him at an advantage over the others. I didn’t have to deal with disclosure. He was older than me. And I liked his realness, he didn’t bite his tongue about anything. Just like the others, it started out with IMs. It moved on to exchanging numbers.  He even told his daughter about me. And I thought to myself, this man could actually be the one.

Karma has a funny sense of humor.Things were actually still going well with D until the day before St. Patrick’s Day. He ended up going to jail for beating up his pregnant daughter’s boyfriend for disrespecting him. The boyfriend pressed charges. The daughter is eight months pregnant and the boyfriend has no job. Nor does it seem like he has any intention of finding one. Of course, that didn’t sit well with D, especially when he found out the boyfriend’s real age.

Even with that bit of drama, I didn’t think it would end the way it did. First, the cell phone got cut off. Next his email account and messenger was cancelled. Suffice it to say, I guess the laws where he is must be strict. And D is going to be away for awhile. The kicker to it all,we were making plans to see each other.

And all this happened within days of the other.I think I took D being out the picture harder than any of the other guys. And that is when my depression kicked in. I knew what it was as soon as I started noticing how late I was sleeping. Phase two, was the tears and non-stop crying. Next was my loss of appetite, nothing tasted right to me. And I am sure the Sustiva in my Atripla is playing it’s part.

Now on to the fourth guy, I use to date him a long time ago, eight years to be exact. He found me on MySpace. It was his second time looking for me. And out of all of them, I have been talking to him the shortest time. But the feelings that I had for him have come back. He says he feels the same way too. With the disasters I have had with the other three, I am scared the same thing will happen with him. I mean he is younger than me but he has his head on straight. He is going to school, working and raising two sons. He just recently found his own place but can’t move in until the beginning of next month. We’re both excited. And he has already asked me to come visit him once he gets settled. At this point there is nothing negative I can say about him. But I am also thinking how the others started out great but went down the crapper. It’s a bitch waiting on the other shoe to drop.

And though I am trying to keep hope alive, I can’t help but feel doomed.......