I know that all people have their faults and we all have had our challenges
I know that we have to let the past go and move on…
which comes to my point. I have gotten accustomed to being ALONE
It was not my choice it was my family way
Every man and (woman) for them self
Well it taught me to be competitive because I had nothing
but an EGO to feed. I also ran to drugs to self medicate
I know I lived up to being the loser I was told I would be,
my mother told me I was not pretty when I was a child
A matter of fact statement so it was not said in anger
it was just her opinion. When I eventually sold my body
I was shocked that anyone would pay to touch me since
I wasn’t exceptional in any kind of way
A warped sense of self and a warped sense of the world.
The street seemed more welcoming than my home
Now my mother is old and needs help, I am clean and sober now
so some say that is the reason for her change of heart.
I disagree I feel that I am convenient now because now
she needs someone. The problem is I was never hugged
or loved by her and all I remember is the tantrums and the emotional
and physical abuse. Then she buys me things and comes off as
being a supportive person. I am still struggling financially
but once I finish Grad school I will not have any excuse to take any more
hand outs. It makes me feel shameful that I am “being bought” since
I don’t feel there is true love between us. We use each other, she wants to have
someone to call when she feels alone, the same way I did as a child.
What bothers me is I dont feel genuine and I don’t feel happy around her
the energy is so toxic so isn’t it a little late
to pretend that we like each other?