I recently had an accident and have been sitting in a wheelchair for months. My life was altered dramatically
Before the accident, I had post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). One of my coping devices had been working out. But now that’s not an option. In addition, I had to leave my job, and I’m back on public assistance.
To be honest it’s hard to feel sexy while living with HIV and PTSD, having felonies and, now, sitting in a wheel chair. Yet I’ve always had the nerve to be picky at the same time.
One of my biggest fears throughout my life was feeling vulnerable and alone. And now here I am, immobile and home alone.
Just when things looked as dismal as possible, then BOOM! He walked into my life.
My soulmate? Hell no.
A physical therapist was assigned to help me at my residence, and I am not going to lie: After being celibate for almost three years, I found myself really enjoying being touched by a man who was there to help me and heal me. It was like going through adolescent butterflies all over again.
Because of the trauma and drugs and other challenges in my life, I had become detached from my feelings. Unfortunately, the disconnection between mind and body was extreme. Once, a therapist asked me to touch my shoulder and arm and then asked me what I felt. I said I felt like I was touching a stranger (no feeling) due to the disconnect.
It has been a long hard road, and Friday is my physical therapist’s last visit. Hey, he is married and got kids! It was not about me/him/us. It was about learning to let someone get close enough to touch you, which has been hard for me because of sexual traumas in the past.
But I am healing, slowly. And in more ways than one.
I will be able to put weight on my leg and start walking the same week as Valentine’s Day, so it’s time to celebrate my independence and renewed vitality.
And I still hold a place in my heart for a possible future mate.