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No Extra Cool Points

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i'm really not sure of the point here. is this cheer-leading and spirit-raising for the benefit of other HIV+ people? i'm afraid that social standards in this regard have evolved very unevenly...for most people (anywhere, i think), dating an HIV+ person IS either courageous or foolish. that belief may be based on ignorance and fear, but those traits remain dominant in humanity. i guess some cheerleading is warranted, as i have seen sero-discordant couples where the neg partner holds a sword against the poz partner, and stands on a pedestal while doing so...and i myself have had neg guys attempt the same with me while dating. i have never put up with that treatment, but it's easy to understand other poz people doing so given how much stigma and social isolation many of us still encounter...especially beyond activist circles. however, this entry is obviously "preaching to the converted", and i think it's dangerous to forget that. in most of America and, i think, most of the world, HIV- people DO deserve "points" for romantic involvement with HIV+ people...not only that, but HIV- people need some outreach to even learn of these "points". this is not to remotely excuse the sword and the pedestal i referred to above, of course...any time spent among other HIV+ people makes clear that some neg partners view sero-discordance in their relationship as a power imbalance to their advantage. However, until Society is willing to give these "points" out to HIV- people for their open-mindedness, i'm afraid that sero-discordant relationships where the neg partner exercises a power advantage over the poz partner will remain disproportionately common. Otherwise, there's just too many opportunistic people in general, and too many (quite frankly) hard-up and love-starved HIV+ people for it to be different. we should encourage pride and self-acceptance among HIV+ people, AND encourage awareness and acceptance by HIV- people. This blog post very definitely prioritizes the former over the latter, and unless one is pushing serosorting, i just don't think that's wise. Honesty, love, awareness and tolerance have ALWAYS been in short supply in this world, regardless of any fictional morality tale...those qualities ALWAYS deserve "points".

January 22, 2011

Frederick Wright

Jay Jay, hey, hey, I want to party with you. I learned a long time ago that all people have some kind of prejudice in their life, some don't like over weight people (making jokes behind their backs), some are prejudice against races, on both sides of the fence, some live on different economic levels for a reason in gated communities and the list goes on and on. I believe it is all about fear and the need to feel more superior to another in attempt to feel more educated or enlighten. So, to think in any terms that human beings in this competitive world for Intellectual Property, i.e. the American Dream are perfect, yet, is most laughable to me. All humans use in some since one another as a stepping stone for their success or to find their way for that is a community to me. HIV folks have a road that I believe is an opportunity to become stronger and wiser to face these human fears (which some may never face), for who would want to date a person that could not deal with their HIV, not me and really don't want to date someone that feels sorry for me either. This stigma, shame and guilt is out their for all people and the cool points I believe needs to go to the HIV people that pushes through their fears and hold their head high and reaches for their American Dream to learn, love and live, not to hurt, just because others hurt them in conversation or actions. The knowledge of the truth can set one free, I believe whole heartily. I have went through many stages in disclosure of my HIV status as a self proclaimed sexologist in finding my was and learned it is better to be out with myself than to live in shame, lies, and the need to not address my HIV status, faith(values) and dreams. Get this; at one time in my life I did not want to make people feel uncomfortable by mentioning HIV or AIDS while holding my head down as a second rate person in daily darkness. Today, as I get older and hopefully wiser, I still do not want to make folks uncomfortable, but this doesn't drive my life and long term goals, I am making again, while living one day at a time. My faith allows me to pray and open my heart to forgive and love, learn and live joyfullly. I prayed for a loving partner and then opened my heart to find him. Well, it took a year to find him and he is HIV positive too, and boy the romance, sex and spiritual connectivity is great and the hope for a brighter tomorrow is even better. Still living one day at a time and Thanking God for each day. By the way, I hate when people use the term full blown AIDS and working on my prejudice of this self impose term that some use upon themselves. Still working on my prejudices.

January 21, 2011

Jay Vithalani

Just read this -- a considerably more complicated serodiscordant-couple story:

January 21, 2011


It all depends on the person and if there educated about Hiv and can handle it . I've been with my partner for 13 yrs. and he's neg !

January 21, 2011


Brilliantly reasoned. ABSOLUTELY right on. Thank you!

January 21, 2011


Good subject. I'm a straight man and have tried dating some negative women, but it (the virus) does seem to be an issue. There seem to be more men that will date Poz women, but it certainly can cause some stress. The question about the "extra cool points" is great. Shouldn't really be part of the equation as we aren't charity cases, or necessarily desparate which is sometimes how single HIV people are percieved (straight or gay). Good blog

January 20, 2011

Scott00008 from Longview

Well this one caught my attention and I had to just post a comment on this. I have been poz for 28 years and full blown aids for 18 (now in perfect health-normal t-cel and undectable). In those years I have had a few relationships with people both poz and neg. I have always told people before sex of my status and have never been rejected for it (lucky from what I have been told by others). One comment I remember was "I'm sure you are not the first positive man I have slept with, but you are the first to tell me before sex, and I appreciate your honesty". I would like to think that if it was reversed I would do the same. Usually the comments were "so am I", "well it doesn't matter because we are going to use protection". Maybe I just lucked out with the guys I was interested, I don't know. One guy that I was seriously dating was negative, we were going to move in together and he told his daughter about me living with aids. Her comment was "what if he dies on you". The very next day Princess Diana died in her carwreck. His comment to his daughter was "see there are no telling how long any of us have, and when you are in love, you just have to go with it. So do I think any of these people deserve extra points for dating (having sex with me aids and all" NO. I think anyone who is educated should know better. It was like the time early in the epidemic that I was at a friend and his lover's house. He had full blown aids and was covered with our cancer. We were sitting there and talking and his lover told me I was their only friend who would visit because others were afraid they would catch it just by being in the same room. I was shocked that people could be so stupid. Granted it was in the early years of aids and not a ton was known about the virus. I told the not sick lover why I thought it was stupid. I said if it is airborn we will all catch it. Who was to say that the person on the bus next to you didn't have it, the person at the supermarket, etc. These two men were very popular before one of them got sick and suddenly they were treated as if they were lepors. I cried for them. Was I deserving of extra credit for visiting friends with aids when I didn't, hell no, it's called being a human. Hope this wasn't to long. scott00008 from Longview, p.s. this all happened in Portland, Oregon when I lived there.

January 20, 2011

Mark S. King

As with All Things HIV, our social markers are constantly moving. The bars are raised and lowered. While you were watching Valerie in the 80's, I was disclosing my HIV status to dates across the lunch table, and those who didn't run screaming from the restaurant were, indeed, "cool" to me. Exceptional, in fact. But time marches on, and people "should know better" than to discriminate these days, right? Well, everyone except poz guys like me, who will only get involved with (read: have sex with) other poz guys. If I were to date a negative guy myself, I would absolutely consider it an act of great tolerance and generosity. Look at me, giving up so much of my preferences to date the negative guy. Life is nothing if not ironic. Thanks for a great piece. Mark

January 19, 2011


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