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Ordinary Time

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19 Comments

Stephen Batchelder

Hi Rick, you still check this site Steve

July 7, 2015

Michael Stevens

I was diagnosed in 1988, and I don't need to tell you how bad it was in those days.The Dr told me I probably had about 2 years left to live. Having lived thorugh all that, lost friends, lovers and others to AIDS, spent time in a hospice waiting to die, I can say that life with HIV today is immeasurably better than it was. That doesn't deny the ongoing stigma and pain that living with HIV brings. Today the social stigma is worse than the physical side of it for many of us, and a lot of that nasitness comes from within the world of gay men, afraid of what we represent and remind them of - "You could be me". But as much as my world has been shifted and shaken, re-shaped and tyrannised at times by HIV/AIDS, I am happy to be here, happy to be alive still. Sometimes I mourn, and I never deny the pain that others feel, but for me, life is not so bad. Life's not perfect, but it never was.

December 5, 2011

Richard Ferri

This has been the most fragile periods of time in my life - ordinary or not - it is well beyond time to pull myself through. So how am I going to do this? One of the ways is by telling on myself...something that has always helped me, and the other way is by you. Reaching out. So I am asking for a favor from my readers...kick me in the ass. Demand I get back and write. Stop wasting my time at the pity party I have been attending non-stop since I got laid off. I have come to realize - once again - that the world spins very nicely without me. However, I ain't doing so good without the world. So time to lick my wounds, get my T cells in order, and move forward. I have no idea what the hell that really mean except to do what I have been doing is insane. Over the years of writing this blog I sure have been free with advice and sometimes harsh words for others and now I find I need them. So please don't let me off the hook. I promise by Thanksgiving monday to have a new blog, a new view, and slightly improved but still damaged me for all to see.

November 22, 2011

Mike

When you write that you feel like a widow, do you mean that you are mourning for the self you have lost? If so, I dig it.

October 20, 2011

doc

Richard, man you must be shook, being in the "FIELD HIV?AIDS" for so long and have Some C... push your integerty (i'm a treble speller) 30yrs I applaud your deadication your staimna & openness.. As far as frightened to come out with it in your open form(blog) hell I'm bearly no how to run one of theses things(pc) Plus I've always' lived in the shadows... Call me the "JACK of SHADOWS" How's the song go? "I'd respect a man that had it all an threw it away, but I'm not the kind I wouldn't mind a chance thrown my way." That somes it up..!!! Thunderstuck...!! man I'm with ya. I no theirs nothing I can say(kettle,pot & black thing) But when it comes right down to it. It's only you that can make that "STAND" otherwise SCREW THEM ALL>..Gotss to live with self. I've enjoyed this PC crap with you, U touched me, and that ain't eazy.. Good Luck (boat drinks) Most likely you want hear from me again. DOC Holiday

October 18, 2011

Richard Ferri

I so do love the conversations that occur with my blog. What we are all talking about here is coping and living in times that may seem ordinary but when viewed through the lens of the T Cel membrane can be confusing and and uncertain. This is not a pity party. I am way too old for that. This is my reality and this is your reality. Lets continue on in our support of each other. I need my readers more than they need me. You provide a level of comfort and inspiration that allows me to continue to practice HIV medicine and come into some harsh realities everyday. I can see myself in my patient's eyes and wonder what God has in store for me. For now, I will put one foot in front of the other, be grateful, and try to be best damn HIV practitioner I can. It is my mark and calling and words are my refuge.

October 18, 2011

chryldgy

Thank you. Sometimes I feel more alone now than I did 21 years ago when I was diagnosed. I feel guilty that I am so absorbed in my grief these days, mourning alone. The only loved one who could possibly understand on some level has been gone for 19 years. Now, as a 46 yr old woman I feel 65+, look who knows how old, and just am tired - not just physically fatigued, but really, really tired. I want to make a difference, but I can barely take all 35 pills of my own every day, how to help others? Anyway, thanks for making me feel "normal" for needing to "wallow" once in a while. And if the panic is over....why are we still breathless?

October 16, 2011

Richard Ferri

As always I am humbled by all the readers kind words posted here and to many, many more that come my way via personal email and Facebook. (Sadly, even in the "anonymous cyber world" the vast majority of my readers are frighten to post on this very public blog; this breaks my T cells into tears.) Please know how much you help me. In fact this morning has been a very difficult one for me. I am facing the onslaught of a "colleague" (a board certified infectious disease specialist nonetheless) who is hammering away at me at every opportunity and has made it clear to me she is stirring the pot by brining my own AIDS diagnosis into question regarding my cognitive abilities. I am thunderstruck with pain, grief, and self doubt. I am considering walking away from a 30+ year career in HIV/AIDS. Stigma does indeed exists. But as I am learning it is not just the stigma of uninformed or those who hate; stigma against those of us with HIV by others who are supposed "on our side" I suppose this just breaks down the notion that people cannot be categorized by their eduction, political afflictions, and such. AIDS stigma is real and we are all the recipients of it on a daily basis in so many ways. I do not know if I have any fight left in me.

October 16, 2011

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