It was just an overcast, drizzly, unpretentious day but as it passed it became magical to me. Angelo and I were in very good moods, the livestock were calm, the house was beautiful and mine. Two months have passed since Dad’s death and I have recovered more than I thought I lost. I knew this all today.
Three and a half years ago I structured my search on the scaffolding of the three things, concepts, dreams I sought. I sought safety, security and peace.
Safety is for my health. I have immobilized the disease. No viral load or dead T cell will kill me. I am re-entered in the race I once ran against chance, design and random ills. I will die of something, someday, but not of this.
Security is for my place. My life exploded then ripping from me nearly all ties to the past. I chose to start again and to do it somewhere that seemed a dream but this dream took from me from the good that was left after my fall. I made myself alone. I left my home and ran.
Three homeless years later I have my place, a permanent one. It is magic, a miracle, my roots re-sown. I will never leave.
Peace is for it all. I now know I had no peace in the old life and I took none into the new. I considered that no life will be peaceful without love and I knew I had not tasted it despite decades of effort. I opened my heart and Angelo flew in. His love for me is necessary. The hole in my soul will be filled with nothing less.
Our time before is tiny next to our time since. Every day we make it up. Sometimes it works and others it fails miserably. Angelo and I have nearly failed but today we know each other better and are learning the ideals of compassion, caring, love and respect that make a peaceful union.
Of my three dreams peace is most important and most elusive. Beside the peace to live a life all else is nothing. With it everything is possible. It is always present but only visible to those who spread their lives among others. Connection and the blending of life into life bring peace. Angelo and I found our peace today.