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Hey, I was thinking about you today. I was wondering about something completely unrelated to you this morning, and then said out loud in response to my thoughts, "Good gravy Marie!" That, of course, made me think of you, so I decided to check in and see how you were doing. I'm concerned that there are no new posts from you in a couple of months. I hope and pray that you are ok and not feeling as bad as you did in your previous posts. I continue to pray for you, and send you hugs, though they are virtual, they are heartfelt nonetheless. Hope that you check in with us soon to let us know how you are. <3
Love that depends on how a person "looks" means nothing. It is smoke and mirrors that does not merit your beauty. Remember that. I do every time I see my fading reflection.
Richard, I am also at this point. I just had back surgery and it is taking months to get my strength back, and then I have another surgery to look forward to. I must have hip surgery because of avascular necrosis in my joints. So I see the wall also. And like you, I am living with daily pain. Unlike you, I'm not good looking, so I don't even have the comfort of finding someone to love. Lipodystrophy has seen to that. I'm lonely, but satisfied that this is where I am right now. There is a line in the poem "Desiderata" that gives me great comfort: "And whether it is clear to you or not, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should."
As you look at that wall and see the sheer bulk of it, look closer to see the writing that's etched in it's facade. The writing says that you are loved, you are prayed for, and you are not alone. Though some of us who read this blog are not experiencing the every day nightmare that you are living through, we can try to walk it with you, in spirit if not in the flesh. Know that even "behind the monitor", there are people who are holding you up and walking with you, hearing you, even though our voices may not be crying out the same way. I hope this brings some measure of comfort to you. Sending you hugs.
Johnny and EVERYONE....No needs to be alone in this fucked up epidemic. We sometimes create our own hells...I know I AM EXPERT AT THIS. Reach out...pass along this blog...scream at me in writing....that is one of the main reason I live my life so openly on these pages; when I open a vein and vent I not help you I help myself. Consider following that lead. Ric
Wow! You know my life so well. The pain of everyday living seems almost Too much for me to continue. I do continue because so many are depending on me. I just want to go away, curl up and be left alone! Thankso for great article......at least I know I'm not alone.
Keep reading folks and posting...plus send along my link to anyone you want. It sometimes gets lonely on this side of the monitor. It seems no one, (my perception) no one wants to hear from an HIV survivor who practices HIV medicine and writes about his life and truth. I think I sometime scare people. I sometimes offend (but nearly as much as I am offended). But we need a voice. Strong voice and it cannot be a solo voice. Time for ASOs, medical practices, and the AIDS gang to cut the crap and make way at the table.
Richard Ferri
There wil be new post in a few days all...I know..I know..it is just that life is messy sometimes and sometimes it is not always my mess that gets in the way but too much has been said already. My head is filled will jumbles of broken T cells that will form their way out by the holiday. Bless you all for your notes about my writing and posts...and recent lack there of...(feeling somewhat like Sally Field): "You like me! You really like me!" Okay batshit to that but I will write anyway.
June 28, 2011