by Stephen Gendin
One man's fight to save sex
In the running for the "class slut" title during my freshman year of college, I took pride in all the sex I was having. I approached my carnal activities like a snake charmer, mesmerizing the man I was seeking, drawing him in with boyish charm. The glee with which I pursued sex was matched only by my confidence in my hunting abilities. I felt so powerful back then.
But around age 25, I noticed my erections weren't super-duper rock-hard anymore. Gone were those occasions when I could pull my dick away from my stomach, release it and watch it spring back with a satisfying whack! I became so fixated on my erection, or lack thereof, that sex was no longer fun, fast or easy. Not getting compliments anymore for a gorgeous dick was distressing enough, but when my erections deteriorated even further, taking on a droopy, wilted quality, I sank into a state between alarmed and down-right terrified. What would my life be life without sex? How would I feel about myself?
I began to predetermine my sexual activities, structuring and limiting them in ways that would avoid embarrassment. I hit bottom when I realized I was getting fucked all the time because I couldn't keep a solid-enough erection to do the fucking. Finally, in desperation, I went to the doctor to check my testosterone levels.
The problem with testing testosterone is that most doctors don't have a clue how to interpret the results. The reference range that laboratories provide is generally based on men in their 60s or older, the only group whose testosterone was regularly checked before HIV started to wreak havoc on young men's gonads. When my count came back at 275, I had to persuade my doctor that while a 70-year-old might be pleased, I wasn't. My analysis was that someone my age should have a count three or four times higher. So we started shots, first trying the standard dose of 200 mg every other week. I noticed some changes, but not enough. We moved to 20 mg every week, and my erections got noticeably better. Now, at 300 mg every week, I've hit pay dirt. With a count of 825, I'm USDA certified prime beef. Testosterone is the closest thing to a proof of God's existence that I know.
While physically I'm practically a teenager again, my attitude toward sex has been transformed by five years of withering erections. I know now that I was spoiled. I expected the magic of sex to just drop into my lap—the result of finding the right boy with the right smile, the perfect curve of muscles, or a thick, meaty, rock-hard cock. I saw sex as a product, not a process. These days I throw more of myself into it and, having realized how much of my enjoyment is psychological, I invest more energy in enacting my fantasies. And I stay more in tune with my partner—whether he's my lover or an anonymous trick—knowing that successful sex is the result of two people working together to spin cocoons of erotic intensity.
While raising my testosterone levels has given me the physical readiness for sex, it was actually the loss of testosterone that helped me to cherish sex. I've come to believe I can learn something new about myself in every encounter. Sex gives me the opportunity to explore all sides of my personality: To dominate one night and submit the next; to be aggressive and mean and the gentle and loving. I've uncovered many of my vulnerabilities—how I'm sometimes scared of intimacy, why I feel such a need for control—and the knowledge has helped me in all aspects of my life. There are certainly many roads to self-awareness, but sex works best for me.
At a time when AIDS has already limited so much of our erotic horizon, and gay "spokesmen"—claiming to be acting on our behalf—plot to reduce it further, gay men need to proudly proclaim the wonders of sex and sexual diversity. Reducing it to a diversion, a distraction, a momentary muscle spasm does all of us an injustice.
Those who see sex only as a physical passion--and even those who acknowledge its bonding effect for already intimate partners—misunderstand its secret: Its ability to swing us from the peaks of joy to sorrow's murky depths, and back again. Sex is the most powerful force in the world, a force to be worshiped and learned from, not harnessed, hidden or ignored.
Search: carnal knowledge, sex, erotic, god, testosterone
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comments 1 - 9 (of 9 total)
JC, , 2010-10-18 04:40:35
I miss Stephen, what a huge loss for the gay community his death was. This column that he wrote and you reposted just brought him back to life for me for a bit. Thank you!
Marco, Las Vegas/NewYork, 2010-10-17 15:35:09
Stephen! I think it is important to hear these pitfalls coming from a beautiful man...So people know that aging is okay.
I'm with ya! But now when I do get an erection around someone-I know it means "something". We're not dead sexually, we are just reacting to it less from our groins. Our dicks have brains now!
Gerry, New York, 2010-10-16 02:58:46
I am glad I'd read this. It explains so much of what I was going thru.
lepontneuf, chicago, 2010-10-14 21:29:54
this wasn't an article about safe sex, people. relax. this was about sex and testosterone levels and if it offends your sensibilities or history, that's your problem. I found it VERY helpful and I can totally relate! Thanks, Stephen. You're hot! Let's do it! ;-)
Matt, , 2010-10-12 19:15:06
While I empathize with many aspects of his story, I think it is completely inappropriate for poz.com. Honestly, I thought I would get to the end and the moral would be "I found out I was HIV+ and that was causing testroene lvl drops." Instead the moral is he went from being an insensitive, unfeeeling whore to a caring, self-aware whore? No mention of safety or EVER being tested. Seems like this article tacitly promotes promiscuity. This 13 yo article does not seem worth reposting in any way.
John, , 2010-10-11 12:24:08
I noticed in your story you did not mention once about being safe just having meaningless sex. this is why HIV is so out of control right now . it makes me think you sound like a very sad individual that has never had a real relationship and you were probably never safe during any of this
Dammy, , 2010-10-11 06:49:01
All sides should be head, good for the would be whores, former whores and just for knowledge, getting carried away with the wrong thing is the msg I got from his post, its been a stepping stone for him.
Patrizio Vannucci, San Diego, 2010-10-07 02:47:51
Articles like this disgusting human being does nothing but to portray all gay men as sleazy whores out for sex. I just wasted 3 minutes of my life to read about his "Smacking Penis"?
I was diagnosed by a long-term partner who cheated on me, And I have been celibate since 2004. I guess Mr. Smacker cannot imagine going that long without sex, but some of us take HIV far more seriously.
I am as handsome as he. POZ magazine needs to maintain some space for worthy articles, not playgirl trash.
Lance, Denver, 2010-10-04 23:47:59
comments 1 - 9 (of 9 total)
Having gone through a similar experience and feelings of losing a big part of myself, I can totally relate to this account. At first I had a clueless doctor too that I felt couldn't relate to my problem or didn't really care. I'm glad that someone can be open about this. You've put into words what I was unable to express.