Here's a baaabstinence-only story that would make President Bush blush.

The New York Times praised Edward Albee's new play about a goat-loving guy "extraordinary," but in March authorities in rural England called a 23-year-old HIVer's offstage canoodling "animal buggery." Unemployed chef Stephen Hall was strolling home last August when he spotted a nanny goat. One thing led to another and before he knew it, he'd lassoed her with his belt and was putting a little, er, life in the old goat. Some nonconsensual bestial sex ensued while a rush-hour train was stopped at a green light. The emergency switchboard lit up as two men raced out to pin Hall to the ground.

At first, Hall, who is gay, denied the charges. But he sheepishly confessed once forensic tests found his semen on clothes left at the scene and goat hairs in his undies. Hall hails from Hull, an isolated farming community notorious for mass unemployment, depression and suicide. The first-time offender was sentenced to six months in jail in March -- and a lifetime of jokes. As for the goat, train detective Dave Crinnion said, "I saw the goat the next day -- it did not seem too upset, but it is difficult to tell."