You say beatification, we say beautification

Belgian AIDS activists repeatedly interrupted the Pope's June attempt to beatify a 19th century missionary named Damien. As Mother Teresa looked on, 12 activists were arrested for repeatedly interrupting the mass, even attempting to unfurl a banner reading "The Pope Is An Assassin." Though he failed to show up, a local comic famous for throwing cream pies announced he would barrage the Popemobile with cream-filled condoms.

Expect the fashion industry to begin an ad campaign featuring the Pope in white shoes after Labor Day

A British government agency was forced to withdraw a poster featuring a hard-hatted Pope with the slogan "The 11th Commandment: Thou Shalt Always Wear a Condom." Said one-well known British radio sex therapist: "Many people may have hard vaguely of the Pope as a notorious relic of medieval superstition. This apparent endorsement by him may put them off wearing condoms."

Smells like Pope spirit

Perhaps the puritanical Pontiff's propaganda machine indirectly contributed to death threats that ended none-too-Catholic plans to parade a 13-foot condom-clad penis during Carnival in Brazil. If so, we hope some crank pie pranker out there gets him back.