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'Wow' pretty much sums up in one word what I felt after reading this, Richard. I had to check a few times to make sure my name wasn't listed as the author, possibly written in my sleep. Maybe it's selfish of me, but your words and experiences make my day not so bad after all. It just reaffirms the fact that I am not alone in what some in my circle think of as me having another moment. 'Not wanting to look in mirrors or reflections' really struck home. It's how I feel everyday, even though my case is not that bad. It's what's inevitable that scares me, and the thought of what used to be, and what is now. I see the signs of it, and sometimes, I just want to rip the skin off my face, scar it up so at least I'll have an excuse for what's inevitable. But for you Richard, as I'm sure you know working in the profession, I just want you to know that you are not alone. Bit Egotistical of me to think that my opinion matters, but just wanted you to know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE, and to please keep writing. You are a beautiful man, Richard, and don't let any mirrors or reflections make you think otherwise. I'm just at the beginning of seeing that now for myself.
Jimmy...If I could only find the words to express MY gratitude for your words. My life is tail spinning and my stress level is as high as it has ever been. I don't quite feel "real"...but that is for another blog. Helping you so nourishes me and you have given me much needed strength today to put one foot in front of the other. I amaze myself that I can often time push my body to bulge and build to the point of turning heads...yet, I get lost in my own "viral nightmare" and I cannot push myself to make the bed. Lately it has been biceps building is easy; brushing my teeth require superhuman effort that is eluding me. Thank you Jimmy....Thank you....Thank you.
Ric.. I want you to know you are a larger than life inspiration to me as well as others any time we read your blog.. Yes, just as you those times come over me.. but I fight back.. telling the fuckin enemey battle line my soldiers are kicking your ass.. I got into med studies with the Fuzeon in 2000.. i admit to injection fatigue.. and my doc say I have a 'pidly' virus but every side effect of meds.. ugh.. within 30 days of fezeon.. I remain undetectable still.. but the war inside rages on.. like Joe before.. I worked harder on my body to keep my spirit up.. I think it's what we see that makes us feel better if it looks better.. Pitiful we're so bod consious but.. in 2002.. i came up with AVN... R-hip replaced 03.. 04 it was facial wasteing.. after several treatments with Sculptra I'm me again.. and I remain me today..05 it was L-hip gone.. as you know.. some Med causes heart disease.. being very toned fit, didn't keep me from 2 heart attacks in 06 and 4 stents.. I tell you this as many have stories like me.. only that you know, we're right here with you, fighting the same war inside.. and like many guys.. in you see don't see what you see like no one saw me as I see me.. within a short time.. I got all kinds of unsolisitated comments of how built I'd become.. they only noticed I must be projecting a bigger grin.. stepin higher.. and I had to laugh at me for what came to mind.. ah hell, I gotta stop wearing a ring.. Guys will think I'm partnered..lol.. so.. my point, you keep me going many times as not.. all these struggles I've over come since 2000 with hiv since 1992.. I've done around all these people and no one noticed, helpped or was there.. You guys make me strong.. because I'm a union construction wkr.. I'm able to hold my own amongst the str8 butch men I work around everyday.. who are totally unaware as they break out our lunch kits.. I'm just one of the guys.. I'm out in my life.. never have I been 'noticed' at work.. I'm not one of those guys who is str8 'acting' I'm just me. as I secretly wait for a man to one day turn and look back at me'.. You put me in that place of having a better mind set.. I have great admiration and care for you.. Jimmy
Thanks Al...happy you enjoy my words. It doesn't matter what our bodies look like it is the same universal experience we are sharing as people living with HIV. My dream is to some day soon have a place on my website for other positives who want to get into shape (whatever that means to them) and be healthy. Living with HIV is not about just taking pills. Far from it.
Richard Ferri, I SO VERY MUCH ENJOYED READING YOUR ARTICAL. WE R VERY MUCH ALIKE IN THOUGHT, UNDERSTANDING & APPERANCES. YOUR BODY IS A LITTLE BETTER THAN MINE. HA HA AL
It is just like sobriety....I get a lot more than I give..but thank you. Ric
i would also like to add my thanks. it takes great courage to post stories like this, and reading them, though painful at times, still makes others feel less alone... like someone else out there in cyberspace knows how it feels. thank you again for your honesty, courage, and willingness to share. peace....
MK
Very well written. I read these blogs because a very dear friend is HIV+, and the day i found out about him, my heart stopped. I was very ignorant on the issues, and since that day our friendship fell apart. Its 6 months he has not been talking to me, and i tried every possible way to apologise, yet there is no hope. I gave up. To feel his pain, i read these blogs and that gives me a sense what he might be going thru. These blogs are very well written, a very good source and it does make me feel guilty of what i did to my friend, but i had lost control. I hope he forgives me and see i have evolve, and i care for him deep down my soul.
October 30, 2010