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Try not to "admire" me but learn from the way that I stumble down this pathway. Trust me I will piss you off again. I am just (as we say in AA) "another Bozo on the bus".
Ric, I find damn admiring that you, with the day you were having, went through with all of you activities especially the AA meeting! Fucking good for you man. That, to me, shows some WISDOM. There I've said it! You know on 2nd thought, although I initiallly criticized you - I was wrong. You've got every right to bitch. I may have to switch meds here soon because of side effets. Although I'm still not convinced their side effects from meds. But EFFECTS from an infection. Seeing a new ID specialist this week. Thinking of you, Scott
I see.
Hey Folks, Have I thought about wearing diapers? Go back and read my other postings or those still lingering on www.RichardFerri.com. Of course, I have worn diapers, but they hide my basket and PA from view...you would think some queen would be scurry around out there developing the male diaper for us muscle heads with AIDS? I am not throwing in any towel just yet. I am trying to be human and let you know that even the "expert" and "famous" get scared. Just because I most likely have advanced understanding of HIV medicine because I practice HIV medicine and live with AIDS does not mean I am immune to my bad days. However, it also doesn't mean I am going to sit here and write some "happy go lucky" crap just to soothe the anxious. My mission is to be truthful, and let you know what is going on in my head, heart, and body. Finally, NO ONE CALLS ME RICKY unless you are looking for a swollen lip. You can call me Ric, Richard, sir, buster, or Dr. Ferri. If you call me Ricky you damn well better be my mother who has been dead for several years. (Remind me to tell you how I shot up during her funeral…Nice huh?) But back to the more serious side of this posting. AIDS does suck. Yes, the meds do save our lives. I do believe positive thinking is an essential attribute to getting well and living well. However, I also took on this blog to "speak truth to power". So if I bitch every so often get the fuck over it. It is my right to bitch about living on daily chemo with the rest of you and have an ultimately fatal disease. (Trust me no matter how "politically correct" the drug companies want me to be they blew that wade with me years ago. If AIDS doesn't kill me, the treatments will, and if the treatments don't the side effects will, and if the side effects don't than most likely I will get hit by the cross town bus so a simple "fuck it" fits nicely no matter what happens. I must say when the powers that be at POZ and AIDSmeds.com approached me about joining their bloggers I dragged my feet since I wasn't so sure I really wanted to open up a vein on the Internet so often. But you what? I am happy that I did. I am loving doing this blog, am getting a lot more out of it than I am giving I am certain, and I have yet to edit or censor (and never will) a word from any comment - unless you cross the line into hate than I will deal with you exactly the way you deserve. So I am just home for an AA meeting, ache like gay Republican after a night at the baths, and have about 3 more hours of writing to do to get my patients the drugs they need to stay alive and improve the quality of their lives. So forgive my bitch or not - I don't care. Just keep on reading and responding and I am a happy man.
Ricky, You of course are aware that this life-saving medicine is going to help you in the long term, and indeed grant you a long term. You no doubt have researched which combination has the best chance of keeping your viral load under control. Instinct garnered from you healthcare practice has also played a valuable role. Nevertheless, it still seems that you went into the new regimen predisposed to manifesting unbearable side effects. You know that people with that view are far less likely to tolerate their meds, nevermind survive. You must advise patents/clients on the value of positive thinking, right? At least share further. Which meds are you taking? What about these in particular or in combination might be so toxic? Is this to be expected? If so, for how long? Even better: What is your HIV meds strategy? Someone newly diagnosed or on the precipice of starting for changing their HIV meds might need to get more out of reading this than a generalized fear of pharmaceuticals. Still, healthy venting is important, and that might be just what the doctor ordered for you when you last wrote. If what I have said above it unwarranted, vis-à-vis in terms of blogging’s purpose, I will soon learn that.
Sorry for the outcome so far but I am so thankful you are saying the truth. Hopefully, a new truth will be a result soon and you will get yourt energy back. Well, a "fuck it day" is a day and it is 24 hours. Mostly, I am glad you are alive to say it. kirk
I laughed and cried reading your blog. Yeah, the treatment totally sucks. Hang in there. Keep venting and cursing. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers to the "universe".
Megan
Ric, thank you for adding your voice to this team of bloggers. It's powerful, entertaining, annoying and fantastic. Thank you thank you thank you. Megan
February 2, 2009