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I think all the men and woman that have posted on here are brave and moving forward in love and truth. The old is gone and behold the new. I wish I could give the right words and hugs to take away the pain I can say, that confession in truth in my faith is good for the soul and my Father would say, you are forgive, you are whole. Know know you are loved and take one day at a time to express your love for yourself and your beloved. My beloved I wrote a love song for you. Will you be my beloved today. Oh how I love your Heart and Soul It make me feel complete and whole Oh how I love you clean smell of joy Your passionate lips and beautiful toys Oh how know your love of our Holy Lord Silent , but strong and courage deployed Oh how I love for your passionate kisses Waiting And praying for it to so Will my prayer be answers, only God Knows today I sing this song to me for am the beloved hoping, believing, the truth has set me free. to love today my creator and me.
Reading these posts is sad. I often think that all we have going for being poz is a face of bravery or outright cowardice...that somehow, the weight of the world has put in our shoulders for no fault other than being human. I guess I will give my confession like many others here...my confession, if it can be called that, is that I too was brave about disclosing my status. And then, I found out that of the few guys who wanted to date me; the poz guys wanted to date me because I was poz and the neg guys (as someone here described it) wanted to date me because I was a recepticle. I was their cum dump, and ultimately, I was raped. I think that it was around then that something in me changed... I was no longer "courageous" (in reality I don't think I ever was--I was just trying to avoid further pain). I became scared, and I believed that the best thing to do was to do a "don't ask, don't tell policy" with guys who were just treating me as a cum dump. Of course, I never had bb sex with them, but b/c I contracted the virus while wearing a condom (I believe the "neg" guy who gave it to me probably had it broken and was unaware of his status), I always feared for my partner's safety. I always had guilt... just like the guilt I always had when I was neg and hooked up with someone who was neg, and I worried myself sick about the virus. Ironically, when I was neg and had sex with someone who was poz, I never felt safer, and I probably would have continued if things were different. Anyways, after I was raped, I began more and more to hide my status, and even to worry when I hooked up with guys who were poz. I thought I may get an even worse virus... I frankly wanted to hook up only with neg guys cuz then I knew I was safe, and at least, they were safe. I moved to another city--a smaller city--and I kept this double life up. Telling some guys I was poz and the guys who didn't ask, I didn't tell. Then, I finally crossed the line and lied about my status. I figured that I was only sucking this guy off, and I was tired of telling random strangers that I was poz only to have them know something so intimate about me that I felt powerless. Eventually, my fear no longer was acquiring the virus and a new strain of the virus, but going to jail, having my life disclosed to everyone, see my mother suffer through yet another sorry event in the life of her son (prior to my hiv diagnosis, I had attempted to suicide...I sometimes think that I have made her suffer so much and all because I feel so alone or horny lol). Anyways, my fears kept multiplying... but I continued on knowing that, if a guy wanted to hook up, I could be safe, and I would not have to disclose my status because I was a recepticle (the passive partner) always used condoms, took my meds, and kept my cum from him. This was a lie I told myself. A lie aimed at separating sex from my emotions, and then, now, when one of the hook ups tugged at my heart strings, I...I don't know what to do. He's sick...probably from the change of the seasons, and all I can think about is what if when I gave him a bj, I had a cut in my mouth. What if the precum got into a cut in his mouth, and my viral load had a blip? What if? What if? What if? I want to see him again, but now, I have to face the prospect of telling him that i'm poz. He never asked, so I never told... but still, it was my choice (and his), but I'm the one with the world on his shoulders. I wonder if he knew that I was poz would he have called me over, and would we have connected. I wonder if we do even have a connection at all... but all that I know is the agonizing conversation (as if I was coming out all over again) that I must have...I remember when I had it with my mom. I was so afraid that maybe when I was living with her, I cut myself and she stepped on my blood accidentally. I live with fear, and this virus only amplifies my fear. My fear that if I shrug the whole world will fall to pieces, so I run away... except my fears find me. They find me, and I can't do anything but cry and pretend that I'm together. And smile, and pretend that the world doesn't hurt. Or rage against the world, and pretend that I don't hurt myself. And now, I'm stuck... and my fear calls me because I feel something for a boy who I think feels something. And being in his arms feels so right, but thinking that he may have this terrible thing because I didn't say (or b/c I did say something) kills me... You would say, but there are plenty of poz guys in the sea. But I would say, they like me b/c I'm poz and we both feel lost in the sea... but you may also tell me that may be they do love me, and then I can tell you, but I love someone who's not poz. I don't like fishing, and I don't think that I am a catch, so the few lines that I get (from anywhere) I do cherish with strong feelings. I know that I will talk to him about my status, and all that I think of is how terrible it will go because I will not only tell someone that I'm poz (which already sucks) but also that I lied... after all, I was the one with the world on my shoulders and not he. What I don't know is why I'm here. Why am I afraid, crying myself at night, avoiding everything that I like and love and cherish. I have faced so many things, and I still feel scared. I have very strong friends (angels as my mom calls them), and I feel alone. I have all the health in the world, and I feel like I'm dying. I don't know if you guys can understand... and I guess I had to confess like many others, but I wish that, for once, someone could understand my fear. A fear that I think most people like to ignore, but which I think is always there. I don't think that I deserve love, and I don't think that love deserves me, but I think that at least I deserve to share my fear and not to run from it. I think that if Neg guys would just understand that we don't stop being Neg by simply sero-converting. That we don't stop fearing the world by becoming it's evil monster; like the one woman who posted here said, that they are like us and we are like them, then maybe, even their telling us to go f*ck off b/c of our poz status, would not seem that bad. I say that to neg guys b/c I don't think that we as poz guys can do much about it. We are after all the object of fear, and even if we try to paint ourselves as pretty angels, we are still demons for them. I wish that they could understand that we also fear... and maybe we could fear together. I don't know. just a thought i guess.
Jay, I do not think condoms are getting lost in this conversation about, he said, she said with my gay brothers, for I think the stigma of secret anger and secret greedy sex desirers are the two motivating truths that need to be addressed. I have been on both sides to want all that good loving and on the secret anger side of playing the game of sex without any thing , i.e, no love, no compassion, no respect and just have not known the dude. Here is where the problem comes in with condoms as the save all, where is the dance, where is the connection, where is the conversation, where is the unite soul and where is the truth between these two lovers or where is the goal for a passionate soul mate. Condoms cannot solve those issues, we must look inside and as a community of gay men it is ok, to be transparent in oneself, with respect and we must all move forward in unity to converse and dance as Men of honor, integrity, and Truths. We learn from the past and create a future I believe from these experience. I believe the good news in part is that many gay men are becoming free from the stigma, by standing up in their Truths and not playing the old misguided truths of oppression and disrespect of one self and others. Truly most can see by this conversation of truths that these issues and problems with sex and relationships are not just a gay men issues and problem, for we all are human in our growth, and this blog to me is more about sexual loving human beings and how we treat one another in a relationship, for I think the straight people might take some cues from these truths too. I think this conversation is a sign of many gay men growing up to help communicate new direction s, to let go of the past, move into a more loving relationship with ourselves and others. Is this not what we have in common to focus on, our truth of moving forward in passion, peace and unity, with hopes that the new gay people coming into their truths will have it easier, as stigma melts away one person at a time. Well call me hopeful, but that is my prayer and direction.
Somehow underlying this is a belief that safe sex doesn't work, or the determination not to practice safe sex. Wearing condoms works and somehow that keeps getting lost
SUMCBSID, I couldn't agree with you more about the end result. If whining motivates you to action then wail away but in no way am I dismissing your (our) concerns. I am still confused when I hear, "gay culture treats us like garbage." Pride is NOT "something sold to spoiled white kids." Self-respect comes from within and does not end when someone does something derogatory against you. Pride motivates every race, every class and the pride events Jonathan was talking about include everybody. Whether you make yourself welcome is up to you.
I do think the gentalman in the 2300 dollar studio is not up to date or social compassionate for most realestate investors, many Gays and Staight people are well orgainsed in causing the market to go up for their own greed, own it dude and do not try to bullsh*t people. I think their is an old gay life style for some,and the writier above have some points although straight life styles has the same greed and lot of sex and drugs too. However many in the gay community have matured out of the old gay life style of opression and have learned how to work hard, set goals, get better education and started with nothing; to find a new community with honor, intergerty and truth within their gay brothers and sisters or The New Gay Community. Many are creating unions of love and adopting children and foster children to help break the one side views of gay people. The point is yes, let out the rage and try to get past it for we all have rage at times in seeing our community as bad but look forward to setting goals, finding your passion that can make you a buck(it is not evil to earn money), seek good friends and elders that promote hope and faith in your gifts,for all have great gifts, if they find them. If you leadership or elder are promoting angry and ony injustice they are giving you bad advice, inorder to get past this angry, one must have hope for change and to find a loving relationship in their community where ever they live. Yes the test is creating a joyful life as one grows up and matures to find their faith works with passion and action. I not sure which one is more unhealthie, greed or angry?
Jonathon...u have a right to be pissed...the gay lifestyle is one of decadence and indecency with no redeeming values or virtue...that is the why so many of us gay men bi men got HIV in first place...trying to identify with those of the group we acclaimed to be included and rejected!!! So there is nothing good or great about being gay..is anything good or great about being bi straight asexual bisexual hetreosexual homosexual ? That's for you to decide..don't let jaded old queens rob your joy and don't let POZ people do it either!!
Manuel
Hi Renato Good to hear your comment since you are a survivor. you must have a huge experience concerning all the issues of the hiv infection. please keep in this blog. you can be og great help. Manuel/portugal
October 8, 2012