Lately I?ve been toying with the idea of writing here on my blog daily and as is blatantly obvious, I haven?t. ?Why?? Well, thank you for asking, it?s because lately I haven?t had very positive or noteworthy things to say. I guess I have it in my head that I should be making some sort of statement with my blog; not just ?a statement? but a STATEMENT. I?m slowly coming around to the idea, however, that, well, that?s just a load of rubbish and an excuse. This is supposed to be a blog about living with HIV and I don?t necessarily have to try to make a conscious STATEMENT about living with HIV, I just need to say SOMETHING already! So here goes. I?m going to start subjecting you all to what goes on in my life on a more regular basis. If I bore the pants off you, let me know.

One thing that has been on my mind a lot lately is being cold. I don?t have central heating in my flat, instead, I have a fireplace designed for coal in my living room. I used it for the first few years I lived here, but between the sulphurous clouds of smoke that belch into the room, the carrying of coal up a large flight of stairs, the necessity of cleaning the fireplace out daily, the coal and ash dust everywhere and the fact that it is a very inefficient way of heating a room, I now use oil-filled electric heaters.

My heating bill should have gone down this winter due to my daughter being away at university but oh, no, that was too much to ask. The Manx Electricity Authority executed a monumental fuck-up in the shape of some dodgy millions-of-pounds loan and happily passed their mess onto Manx residents in the form of higher bills. During the warmer months, I pay about £10.00 ($17.40ish) weekly into my pay-as-you-go electric meter. Last winter I was paying £50.00 ($86.90ish) a week and I thought this year I?d be able to trim that back to around £30.00. ($52.15ish) Nope, no way. I?m paying £50-55.00 ($86.90-95.60ish). Let me make it clear, that is A WEEK. That pays for a couple light-bulbs in the evening, the hot water that I?m very frugal with, the stove, the fridge, the kettle, the computer, the washer that is only used once a week and ONE heater.

I?ve got one room that is heated to just about tolerable. My bedroom and the rest of the house is freezing ? and that includes the very unpleasantly cold bathroom. I?ve been sleeping on the couch lately because it?s bad enough having night-sweats but even worse to wake up wet in a cold room. Sleeping on the couch wouldn?t be so bad in itself, but it?s only a two-seater as the room is too small for a full sized couch. It?s fairly cosy though because of all the blankets I have under me in case of night-sweats and I sleep on my back with my legs over the arm. But damn, living in one room is starting to drive me batty(ier).

The thing is though, what REALLY gets me about all this, is that being cold reminds me so much of being diagnosed. I was pretty much skint (British for being broke) that winter too and I remember sitting in my living room for days on end, shivering with cold and trepidation. I really hate being cold. It’s so difficult to get moving in the morning and at times it feels like my mind seizes up right along-side my body. It was difficult to deal with right after my diagnosis and it’s been difficult again this winter. My full-time job that I was beginning last year this time has evaporated due to my health and just like that February five years ago, I’m again facing an uncertain future.

Oh, I don’t know. Or rather, I do know; this too will pass. The weather will be getting warmer slowly but surely and I’ll figure out a way to ensure I’m not this skint again next winter. But for now, today, that’s where I’m at - cold and fed up. I wish we humans had the option to hibernate for the winter!