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Thank you for sharing Richard, whether partner or not the loss of our loved ones to death from HIV or another means it is heart breaking and a chip of your heart and soul is forever missing. As you said we do not have to know why, but deal with it and God does give us the strenght to continue on if we accept it. I have not lost my partner of 18 years to death, but to the destructive side effects of the HIV treatment. His counts and viral load are great and his diabetes (2nd to the treatment) is almost under control, but He is too weak to participate in life and for the last 3 years it has been so lonely without him and to watch he become comfortable in his darkness. I know all I can do is to continue to support, but I miss him terribly though he is just in the next room. Sincerely from a man who appreciates your efforts and successes in caring for us all in this epidemic. Don Black, RN
As we all stumble through life remember it was Helen Keller who gave us the remarkable insight when she wrote: "Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing at all!" Take the dare and be brave. It is the only way to live.
I am looking still for my envelope of salt.
I wrote this (one week ago) to someone who is angry about past boyfriends leaving him and negative about trusting anyone in the future, and I am reposting it here. I have "been in love" more than once, more than twice, but the big one, that really lasted, ended with my life trashed (seriously trashed). I loved Gary, even his drug abuse, drunkeness, bad boy attitudes, con artistry, lying, cheating (with men and women), emotional numbness and many other faults. He had many good attributes and I became a much better person by knowing and loving him. I am still angry at him ten years after he ruined me, and now one year after he died (seven years separated from me). I am angry with him. I do not hate him. I still love him and his memory and who I became in response to him. In thirty plus years there was a great deal of happiness, (great sex), passion, (great sex), personal growth, (great sex), and accomplishment (this latter, both on my own and jointly with him and because of him). I only mean to suggest that anger is one thing, and maybe appropriate and well placed if he hurt you, but not loving again is a terrible thing to do to yourself. Loving Gary was one of my greatest accomplishments, something I am still proud of, and will never deny. It doesn't matter what he ended up thinking about me or feeling for me. I.... loved.... him..... I went to see Gary two weeks before he died at home of stomach/esophageal cancer (although he was positive and had zero T cells remaining). I had not seen him in four years, and he had broken up with me six years before my last visit with him last Fall. He used to be a big guy with broad arms, a heavy chest and big beautiful butt. He was now less than one half his usual weight; his bones everywhere stuck out, and between the bones were stomach tubes and central lines which lost the fight to feed him. His pain was always severe and his supply of Percocet and morphine virtually endless, with tranquilizers and sleeping pills to numb the little wakefulness that remained. When we were alone we talked a little about which meds might be harmful if taken all at once and then he shifted tack on the conversation, heading into the wind. "I don't regret the lifetime we spent together" he said, voice cracking like a wooden bat on a fastball of emotion. I nodded and finished "I know that" with a slow deliberate flap of eyelids to accentuate the truthfulness that I heard, knew and felt. Thirty three years together; a lifetime of passion, love, hope, and dreams woven and lived and lost, and this was the one emotion he wanted to share. How do we know what to say? How can we say what we know? How does not saying ‘I still love you’ end up sounding like ‘I will love you always’? Or do we do this thing - say goodbye - like we love, one sided sometimes, but sometimes blind, deaf and dumb?
All i can say is that i cried reading your story which was very touching. You have opened my eyes and give me hope to look forward for my life. Thank you...
Richard I know that the thoughts of hoplessness are about having to give up your home because I will one day have to do it as well . I signed away my portion of the only true home I have ever known so my husband ( not legally it's just a term of endearment since we have been a couple just none month's of 25 years now ) so he would be able to get a larger amount of funds for a reverse mortgage . Now while we might be different on things he ahs said take the money from his life insurance and live my life and let the past go because hw eill only be a shell in the ground and since the home will have memories within it's walls of us the past years I should be able to easily carry those fond memories of us together with me any where where as the home would be some what akin to an albatross so I should begin my life anew and find me another man to replace him ( highly unlikely that will ever happen since I mush like you was a wild eyed young adult ( age of 26 ) when we became a couple and now that he is about to turn 65 to my having turned 50 in 2010 I realize it's going to be a hard pressed thing to find another man like him after all the love and devotion he has shown me over these past years .
Richard, I am so happy to hear that you were able to find love again and so unexpectantly. I hope that someday you will be able to toss your grief to the wind. I have lost so many to HIV and now I have it and I try to be very diligent and not take any day or my partner for granted. Thank you for sharing. Big Hugs!
Richard Ferri
Don, Your comment has left me breathless. I am humbled by your love and talent. If there is anything I can do just ask - and if possible - I will attempt to do it. email is rick@richardferri.com Peace, Ric
August 9, 2010