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I did the 12 steps and yes, a spiritual awakening. Hey, I have been 100% excellent and well since I was diag. in 1999 and in the hosp. for PCP and a CMV ulcer. Life is extra great and better than ever before. How can this be? Well, it is and SEX is better than ever. By the way, the really sick are those that don't see that all creatures from little lady bugs up to man up to elephants should have the God given right to persue their sexual wishes (yeah, as long as it doesn't hurt themselves or others.) We were born in the camp of the enemy but I love being an outlaw, like Gandi, Jesus, Martin L. and all the rest. You sound intelligent and just about where you should be. Richard B.
Hi Joe and thanks for the kind words about my blog postings. Let me be clear that I wish to God I was not positive, or been through what I have been through, but I do not "regret" it. It is not up to me to regret anything. I am simply living God's plan. I certainly don't always understand it but I accept it. I may not like it but - as we say in AA - "acceptance is the ANSWER to all my problems today." It really is. The sad fact is acceptance also sucks.
I do get the dual emotions in your blog. The two that I identify with is 17 and 18. I to wish that my past could be erased, and then start all over. But then I do need to remind myself that my diagnosis was a wake up call, on how I was living. Not trying to put anybody down here, just that I wasn't giving myself any self respect. As for this being a gift, it all depends on the day! Your blogs are insightful, and I enjoy reading them. Please continue with expressing your thoughts. It is nice to see that I am not alone. Thanks, Joe
I am one of those that support the idea of doing whatever it takes to not drink or use. I don’t really have an axe to grind with AA, in fact I have a lot of gratitude to AA. I’m sure that I wouldn’t be the person I am today had I not gone to AA. When I moved from Kansas City to Orlando in 1991, it was like going from a Unitarian Church to the Southern Baptist. I couldn’t figure out right away what the difference was at the time, but I knew that it wasn’t at healthy environment for me to be in. The biggest reason why AA doesn’t work for me any more is that I no longer believe in deities. I’m sure that is why the last time I went to a “graduation” of a friend from a treatment facility, the whole thing just grated on my nerves. It’s really quite amazing how someone could give you enough power as to not return to group after you told him to “fuck off.” That seems so trivial a reason to not return. I have to wonder if you made his ears bleed. ;-) Let’s face it, most of us alcoholics, except perhaps the closet drinkers, have heard just about everything and don’t have “virginal ears.” I think most of us are fragile people. Many of us drank because we were damaged to begin with. Hell, there are times I feel like I’m held together with spackle and duct tape. Perhaps duct tape is my “higher power.” ;-)
Actually I do not feel conflicted at all in my life. It is just that I am live with dual emotions that reside inside my shattered brain and sometimes make a scramble of things. But that is okay since when I was in charge of the scrambling I choose meth and booze and the end result was horrible. I do not have as many "24 hours" as you do Greg but I can see where the people that attend AA meetings can get to be somewhat of an issue in life. I am trying to let of a lot of that go right now myself. I was actually given a "warning" from another group member that if used the word "fuck" again during my share he would, "on behalf of the group", tell me not to come back. I smiled sat down, and raised my hand and told him to go "fuck off". He has not been back to the meeting I usually go since then and I do not give a fuck what he is doing. It may not be pretty to say but it is the truth. But I still go. I am still fragile. I need others to help me with my sobriety. I am highly flawed and actually enjoy that the most about myself.
Richard, I don’t feel nearly as dual or conflicted in my life and attitudes, although I do have my dualities, one of which is the compulsion to respond to this blog, while the little voice in my head says, “Just keep you keystrokes to yourself. I love being sober too, and I never want to drink, although once in a great while when enjoying a German or other East European meal, I will also enjoy a non-alcohol beer. This will send many AAers screaming into the night. My belief in AA probably saved my life, but that was then, many years ago, and today is today. Now those people and meetings drive me crazy. They seem like a religious cult. Being infected is a real drag on one hand, but when I tested positive in 1985, it was a death sentence, and my late life partner Dennis, died in 1988. I still miss him very much. I never expected to be alive in 2009, nearly 21 years after Dennis’ death, so that alone takes some of the wind out of my self-pity sails. I’m no longer “hot and sexy” to the eye, but my ability to love, and my passions for creating art and other things pleasing to the eye, as well as the person I have grown to become, make me “attractive.” I just don’t turn heads anymore, and that’s okay. Never tried meth, but was given a gram of coke in 1980, and saw the hook. I was so glad that I couldn’t afford to buy the shit, but I’m grateful for the experience, as it helps me to understand the mechanisms of that particular addiction, and those recovering from it. I also live as an open book, because secrets require energy that I don’t have. It also relieves stress, and nobody can hold anything over you if you have no secrets. I am also proud of my sobriety, and on rare occasion I’m sad I can’t enjoy a glass of wine with a fine meal, but I’m certainly not ashamed that I cannot drink like a non-alcoholic. I’m also not ashamed of being diabetic. I haven’t been to an AA meeting in nearly 17 years. Like I said earlier, AA now reminds me of a religious cult, and many AA members remind me of fundamentalist Christians. Ironically though, AA led me to question everything that I was ever taught in church, and allowed me to be on a path of recovery from religion. I have my “good” days and my “bad” days, but realize that it’s ultimately up to me to assign value to my life. I choose to love myself, and in that love, I reluctantly give myself permission to have days where I’m in pain or fatigued without beating myself up for it. I will still find something to do that requires less energy to make the day worthwhile. Do take the very best of care, and above all, be kind to yourself. Hugs, Greg
Richard Ferri
I love the idea of being an "outlaw"...just realize I will most likely "steal" that from you in a future blog or novel. And your analogy of being in the company of Christ and King made me smile. I too have been known hang out with (and be)whores, Blacks, and may other "undesirables", and I am proud of it. Give me a hooker any day over a Sunday school teacher to learn the meaning of God from!
May 29, 2009