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I posted this somewhere else before I came across this discussion. I'm glad to see it addressed. After reading some of the comments I'll add that one of the biggest problems I have with the mentality of guys using 'DDF' in their profile is that so many are willing and ready to jump into bed with a stranger and bareback. It's become the norm, safe sex is like a thing of the past. Then when you're open about your status, you're treated as a threat. It's no wonder infection rates are going up. "I'd like to see a larger conversation about this rhetoric. It's extremely insulting to come across these phrases 'disease and drug free' and 'clean'. It's not a rare thing, it has become the norm, the accepted internet slang. To imply that people are walking around with untreated syphilis or something is a joke. To equate HIV+ people with drug abuse is also a joke. It's clear what the meaning is, I'm HIV-, you be too. Nothing wrong with that. I prefer meeting HIV+ people and I'm clean and sober and I prefer the same. HIV+ people are marginalized in the gay community like never before. I have the perspective of moving from San Francisco to the Midwest, the contrast is shocking and I will probably move on because of this one issue. I am not wanted as a sexually active member in my local gay community. Those of us who are open about our status receive blame and hostility because of so many people who are closeted about their status. The younger generation seems to be walking around in denial, infection rates going up, barebacking like crazy. The more we are referred to as 'diseased' and 'unclean' the more HIV+ people will hide or lie about their status. It goes on where I live like a sickness, denial and lies, both sides share some guilt. I don't know what the solution is but this rhetoric goes on unquestioned for the most part and I'm tired of it, I am convinced that it contributes to a toxic environment in which infection rates are going up."
I am always perplexed by the negative men's approach to "protecting" themselves from HIV. The very guys who request only DDF guys believe that this practice is keeping them safer than practicing safe sex with a POZ guy. They may even request BB sex in their ad. The statistics I have found on the web show that 28% of guys who are POZ don't know it, 51% of POZ guys will not disclose status to a hook up, and 72% of guys who say they are neg have never been tested. I don't know that much about statistical method, but it sounds like alot of guys with very "questionable" status may be answering those ads claiming to be DDF. Yet, as a POZ guy who discloses I often find myself the recipent of neg guys irrational fears and projections. If they have been less than safe in their previous NSA encounters and are denial about it, then I seem to become a lightning rod for their unacknowledged angst. Sometimes I feel its very lop-sided. As a POZ guy, not only do I have to deal with my own fears and all the effort to take care of myself and stay healthy. Also, some how, we end up in charge of protecting the Neg guys from HIV. Usually we have to be the one to initiate a very uncomfortable conversation, place ourselves at a level of vunerability not required of the Neg guy, risk their rejection and possible violence, educate them about the real risks, and process their unacknowledge fears and projections. It just does not seem realistic to me to assume its less risky to have unprotected NSA sex with a stranger who claims to be Neg than to have safe sex with a POZ guy who discloses and respects his partner's bounderies. Yet, most Neg guys make that choice. That some POZ guys don't take the high road is no wonder to me. Its about time that Neg guys educate themselves about the real risks, deal with their own irrational fears instead of stigmatizing and scapegoating, and start taking responsiblity to practice safe sex. Each person must be in charge of protecting themselves based on their own choices and actions and not make it the responsiblity of the POZ guy. We've got enough to say grace over already.
for the record, my ad announces my status in the beginning, middle and end. i do quite well. it wasn't always so...while exercise has given me a bit of muscle, what's really made me popular is my confidence. i've experienced a wide variety of poz-related horrors online and in real life, and over the course of those encounters my anger transformed my disposition. having endured every hateful comment, from cruel to the sinister to the jaw-droppingly stupid, i ended up free of their sting. my disposition and my ad evolved to reflect that, and i put up some (fairly!) hot pix. btw, i have encountered every variation of disclosure/non- i can imagine, from poz guys claiming to be neg to neg guys claiming to be poz...i no longer ask people their status. i simply tell everyone mine at the exact moment that sexual interest is made overt, and let people make their own choices. a boorish macho straight friend taught me by abstracted example: he's one of those guys who yells at women from his car. constantly. it's horrifying when i'm in the car too, and as you'd expect most women feel the same. however, he has many girlfriends, always gets more and is a classic 'playa'. numbers and "sales", people. the less time you waste on people who will really not give you a chance, the more time you have for people who will. the more desperate you are to be liked, the higher the stakes for the person who chooses to like you. desperation creates douche-chills. effort creates success, success brings confidence, confidence make you more trustworthy, leading to more success, more confidence and, more than likely...romance. :)
i know others have been able to find love on the internet, whether straight or gay, poz or negative. after several years experience with various dating sites i have personally met men face to face with intentions of hooking up or those having ulterior motives bordering on exploitation. i would much rather skip the games and attempt to connect the old-fashioned way. in many ways the internet only creates distance between people.
I live in Central NJ at the shore in a town that has a very large gay population. Vertually anyone there who is poz goes to the same doctor. I'm blown away when I see these same guys on Manhunt in particular with a status of "negative". I have even asked a few and the answer I get is always the same. Seems they feel that if the guy they are tricking with is willing to bareback, then it is likely they too are poz or they are at least taking some of the responsibility for possible infection. Sorry guys, it is all about disclosure. There is nothing wrong with playing safe, most especially when you are poz. In my case, it ends with me. I will never, ever, tell someone I'm negative and will never have unsafe(r) sex.
I logged in today because I had an e-mail stating I had a flirt in my inbox. And now having to again confront each and everyday stories about how difficult life has become just has my mood in a bad place. I understand why it is that people just want to look out for their best interest of health. I just get frustrated that it has stacked the deck against me. I have even tried to meet some poz guys. Fact of the matter is, sharing this virus doesnt at all make up for the fact that it is difficult period to find someone you click with. Narrow it down to gays as a small segment of the population, narrow it further to poz guys, and then narrow it down to all the other things that anyone would look for in a person, and it has seemed like such a stacked deck. I sit here at work now sort of depressed and wanting to go to a bar somewhere and just drink and drown. I let someone go 4 years ago...no...didnt let go...shoved him away, drove him away...and he didnt care one bit of my status. To anyone who may read this...look at the big picture. Don't take anyone for granted. Accept the gift. I hate to quaote Sarah Palin (LOL) but she said something the other day that has struck a chord with me. When you see an open door, even slightly cracked....plough through that door. I hope we can recognize opportunity, and love or the chance at it, when we see it. I do think we poz persons have a longer shot at love, even though we may want it more than other. Maybe it is cuz we learn through our struggles to not take it for granted. So many I have met in my life think love is a definate in life, that it will be found with 100% assurance. I appreciate the optimism, but the reality is that love is maybe the one thing we are not assured in life. Love is a blessing, and should be treated as such. I hope I find it someday again.
DDF is a misleading and false term. No one is 'disease-free'. If you've ever had chicken pox, mononucleosis, or cold sores, you're not 'disease-free'. The viruses that cause these infections remain in your body the rest of your life, and can reactivate and even be transmitted to others. I enjoy pointing this out to the most obnoxious users of the term DDF, and they seem incredulous. Also I ask them if they've been screened for colon cancer genes, diabetes, alzheimers, etc. Again they may not be as disease free as they think. Also I've found that the guys who post DDF in their profiles are the least likely to play safe. You can't realistically say you're DDF if you spent the last weekend having unprotected sex with 5-20 guys you met off the internet or at the bathhouse. I proudly post my + status in my profile on bear411, and I've made some great friends and even had a couple of dates. I've never had anyone make a negative comment about me posting my status, but if someone did, I'm confident enough in myself that I could blow it off and not let it affect me.
Str8nPoz
You typed in "M4M POZ" and got 45 results? What are you crying about? Consider yourself lucky! Type in "W4M Poz" and you will get 0 results in every town in the U.S. Quit whinning.
April 24, 2012