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Next month will be a year since I was admitted into the hospital, two months after being diagnosed with HIV. I was in the hospital for two months, Jan & Feb 2014. The only people that knew were my mother and my best friend, Roy. Roy is a very religious person and has known for about 5 years that I've been gay. We've been best friends for about 30 years. It was hard to tell him I was gay (he still thinks it's a choice we make). When I was diagnosed in October of 2013 I was in the hospital for a week. Roy, being the friend he was come to visit me in the hospital and called everyday. I wondered how I could even tell him I was HIV positve. My first appointment with my HIV doctor, Roy drove me to as my health was failing. I double checked before going to the appointment that there were no indications on the building, in the hallways, or on the office doors that it was an HIV office. It was not until we left Roy asked me how my appointment went. I started to tear up as I was still trying to process all this new information. I said "my CD4 count was Low". Not even knowing what I had revealed to him. A few days later he called to see how I was feeling and I told him I was "fine". At that point he said "I think you're a little sicker then you're letting on". Right there I was scared instantly thinking "he knows what do I do?". I told him I had to go and would call him back. After I hung up I instantly punched in CD4 on my computer and thought "Oh Shit, I told him without even knowing I did". I called him back right away crying uncontrollably and said "you know, don't you?". He told me "yes" and I told him that's not how I intended him to find out. He told me "I still love you". He thinks God had a purpose for him when he first met me 30 years ago. Then there's me who is not religious at all. I thought Roy would drop me as a friend. Being gay I think was hard for him to process, being so Religous, and then me throwing him a curve ball with my HIV status. He does not talk about my personal issues with anyone else, but has stuck be my side all along this past year. I don't even know where I'm going with this "short comment", but I live in a small closed minded town and have no-one here to talk or share this with. Even after a year is going past I'm still scared and still off work. I'm not sure I can show my face at a work environment yet. I get scared thinking "what if someone asks how I'm feeling?". I used to be a regular at my gym. I'm gaining weight now and I know it's depression setting in. I just want things to be like they used to be and I'm having trouble living in the present. Where do I go, what do I do? I tried a professional to talk with, but he goes on babbling about Religion. That pissed me off, so I quit going to him. Religion can't fix this problem in my eyes. Roy has talked with me, but I find it hard when, I don't think, he knows or understands how I feel. I kind of think I'm in my own little world now. The slitest thing seems to set me off and I blow up over the smallest issues. At times I think "how did I even survive?" My CD4 count didn't even register at the beginning and my Viral Load was Five Million. Sorry for ranting on and on, but I think maybe you understand where I'm coming from? It's 3am and things just pop into my head! Thanks!
Very inspiring post. I have been struggling with this diagnoses for 8 long,hard years. And you know what, I'm ready to break my silence! For to long now I have been hindered by guilt and shame and fear. I'm not sure where my journey will lead me, but I'm finally ready to take that 1st step. Thank you for your truth and your honesty. It indeed served me.
Hi there I have read your blog and i think it takes a lot of strength to open up to your status but i want to thank you as i have been living HIV positive for 3 years and i still cant get the hang of what has happened to my life, its all changed, i cant have a normal married life cause i fear infecting my husband, i cant have a child because it might get this horrible disease, and then at the same time getting sick myself all the time is just unbearable, but i have made it so far and i know the road ahead is a long one and i fear walking it. Regards Janine Take care and keep healthy and fight for your beliefs, dreams you life.
Tommy, so great to get your note. I just posted my latest blog which is really about gratitude and the notion of benefit-finding (which is actually a psychological phenomenon). You sound like you are doing well. Are you in recovery? I am -- and no surprise -- I am also very grateful for that. :) I do take Stribild one-a-day (and the bf does, too), and it's been very good for us, and we make sure we never miss a dose. We are both undetectable now. We've both gained a bit of weight (but I think that just happens in relationships, maybe not related to Stribild!). Anyway, thanks for reading my blog, and i hope you continue to let me know how you are doing. Best, Charlie .
Hi, My name is Tommy and I am 46 and newly diagnosed with HIV. I am starting my meds tomorrow morning. My doc put me on Stribild. I came onto this site looking for info about the meds and side effects etc and I saw your blog. I am also confected with Hep C. So I have some work to do. Surprisingly I had no clue and had no symptoms. I knew about the Hep C but the HIV was a surprise but not a shock considering the things I used to do. I am blessed that I have a loving sister who insisted I move in with her and her husband and my niece aged 7 and nephew aged 11. I work full time and so have decent medical coverage and I eat well and do yoga and am trying to facilitate a meditation ritual into my life. I look at it this way right now. I should be dead many times over so any time I do have left is a bonus. I have friends who have died in their sleep from aneurysms so I know that no one is guaranteed another tomorrow and that we all must live in the now. I do not take this as a death sentence and I am trying to look at it as a blessing of sorts. It has put a focus on things and made me appreciate what I do have. It has caused me to change many bad habits so may have actually extended my life. After all this my hope is to one day perhaps help others and maybe work in drug and alcohol recovery or something like that and turn all my negative past experiences into a well spring to draw from to help and inspire others. But first I need to go to bed and get a good nights sleep, wake up and take my meds with some food at 8am. I figured that would be the best time of day as it is supposed to be consistent. Anyhow, thanks for your story. It helped me to feel better and perhaps we can stay in touch. Take care, Tommy
Luis -- Thanks so much for your comment. We can make miracles if we stay positive and find the things to be grateful for. So many blessings. Life is Pain and Joy. Struggle and Triumph! Glad to have such wise fellow travelers on my journey. C.
thank you!!! i wish you well..sero-converting in 2007 i know the shame and the immediate judgement from others. i hope you find as i did the shame is really temporary once you begin your process of coming out as a HIV positive man. dcn
Ricky
These are my confessions: I was diagnosed this week with AIDS. I've had a gut feeling for a long time that I may have HIV. It took me a long time to mentally prepare myself and to accept that I could be poz ( during this time I didn't hook up with anyone ) I couldn't bare the fact of passing this on. I think what they say is right, your body tells you when something is up. I've had a bad case of shingles, and its knocked me right out. I guess I must have been poz for a while for it to escalate into AIDS. I don't feel sorry for myself, what did I expect with the things I used to do? Now I think about my loved ones and how I can face them and disappoint them like this? Hearing I have AIDS really put me into another state of mind. Next week I will go see the infectious disease specialist. My next chapter in my life I do not know where it will take me....
October 30, 2015