Hey, HIVers: Don’t know if you should disclose before someone goes down on you? Consider:

THE CONSEQUENCES. Sure, you can say it’s your sex partner’s responsibility to decide what’s safe for him/her—or to bring the HIV question up before going down. But if you let someone give you head after lying that you’re negative or even without letting them know you’re positive, be prepared for anything from a guilty conscience to legal threats. Exposing someone to HIV without telling them is a crime in 24 states, and though the law is hard to enforce, convictions happen. Learn your state’s law at www.hivcriminallaw.org.

HOW YOU'LL FEEL LATER. “Good sex is when you feel good about yourself, the other person(s) and what you did afterward,” says New York City HIVer psychotherapist Michael Shernoff, MSW. Check in with your feelings post-playtime. Was letting them slurp unaware good for you? It’s all about what you can live with.

THE RISKS OF LYING. Telling people you’re positive “is excruciating and uncomfortable” for all HIVers—himself included, says Shernoff. “Those feelings are normal.” Still, he urges, “Make a commitment to not lying. It’ll only get you into deep shit.”