Albuquerque, New Mexico

Positive since 2005

I’m originally from Cuauhtemoc, Chihuahua, Mexico. I have been living in Albuquerque since 1992. I crossed the border undocumented, and I still am. I came to the United States looking for a better life. I was hiding being gay in Mexico, and here I have hidden being an undocumented person.

In 1997, I met a man who not only lazy, he was also was doing drugs. We were a couple, but he was very possessive, a cheater, and one day I got tired of him. We had a big fight. He was doing crack cocaine with his sister and her lesbian lover in our apartment. I came home tired from work, and mad, of course, because all that time I had been supporting him. I told him to leave the apartment.

He, his sister and her girlfriend jumped on me, and the only thing that I could do was defend myself. They called the cops, saying that I was causing problems. I went to jail, and my family bailed me out. To the judge and the system I was guilty because of my legal status. I got a public defender, and he told me that it was better for me to plead guilty.

When I got out of jail and returned to my apartment, everything was destroyed. All the furniture that I bought was trashed. For a few months, I had to appear in court several times. During that time, I had a few encounters with my ex-boyfriend. He told me to say nothing about the drugs or he would call the border patrol on me. He had my car, and I had to take the bus everywhere. This lasted until finally the case was dismissed. My ex returned my car after it broke, and I decided to stay away from him.

The next year he came back, telling me that he was trying to change, that he was still in love with me, that he needed help to survive, and I believed it. I felt sorry for him. We moved back in together with the condition that it was only as friends, but one night he raped me. I ran out of the apartment and asked for help from the landlord, but he took my ex’s side. I finally understood that he would never change, and finally I decided to stay away from him.

In 2000, I met another guy, and that relationship was like the other one, with physical abuse and drugs. He stole my car while I was sleeping, and he got into an accident and fled the scene. When I saw the car all messed up, I was mad. We were arguing, and the neighbor called the cops again. History repeated itself. I went to jail because the car was mine, and I had to be in court again. This time, I learned not to plead guilty, but I still had to go to court a few times because of my past record. Finally my second case was dismissed. I had been trying to help that boyfriend because he was an alcoholic. I tried really hard, but he never changed either.

In 2005 I started feeling really sick. When I went to the doctor, he told me that I was HIV positive. It was really hard for me. All my life I had tried to be careful and use protection. I learned to be that way. When I came over from Mexico, I saw my best friends die of the disease. When the doctor gave me the news, it was a shock. I was thinking all about my past. Everything was coming back to my present life.

I lost interest in life, blaming myself for every mistake. In reality, I didn’t know when I had been infected, because I used protection all the time. I was thinking about when I was raped by my ex-boyfriend, or if something had gone wrong when I was intimate with one of my other boyfriends. I had to be put on medication for depression.

One day I woke up thinking about my family, my future and especially my life. Since I got the news about my disease, I have stayed away from sex. In that moment my life changed completely. Since then, I have been living an asexual life, which may be because I’m scared to pass the disease to somebody else, or because I have lost my appetite for sex.

In 2006, I decided to go to school. I was able to graduate and get my GED, and I was accepted to the University of New Mexico. I know this university considers any student or any New Mexico resident, and it helps everybody to continue school without discriminating based on race, color, sexual or legal status. At the university, I learned more about how to live with the disease.

I graduated in December 2012 with a bachelor’s degree in Spanish and Latin American studies. I am still living in Albuquerque, but I feel stalked because of my legal status. I haven’t been able to find a job. It is not that I don’t want to work. It is because the system in New Mexico and other states are asking every employer to verify their employee’s status. Without any permit to work or be legal in the United States, I am still in limbo waiting for some kind of immigration reform to pass, but it still really far away, and seems to be growing harder to accomplish.

At 49, I feel I’m getting old. I’m tired of waiting to fix my legal status, and I’m disappointed with all the situations around my life. For the first 6 months after my diagnosis, my immune system was weak, but since then I have gotten control of my health. I have been undetectable, and my CD4 count has always been between 500 and 600. Last December I met a man, and he came from Las Vegas to be with me. After six months we decided to get married. And we did!

The person I married has a different way of thinking. First of all, he went back to Las Vegas, and left me here in Albuquerque. He is the kind of person that loves to solve everything, but I don’t agree with that way of thinking. Before we got married, I told him that I was an asexual person, and yet he still wanted to marry me. The big problem is that he wants to have raw sex, but I don’t. He keeps telling me that it doesn’t matter, because we both are infected, but I’m worried about the risk of being infected with a resistant strain of HIV.

My present situation is not easy. My husband is not willing to come back unless I agree to have raw sex. I have been trying so hard to understand his situation, but I have decided not to have sex, even it means I have to be alone for the rest of my life. Now, the man that married me is thinking about getting a divorce because he is desperate for sex. I told him to get one, because we haven’t been intimate since we got married in May 2014. Since he left for Las Vegas, we have been on the telephone talking, and texting, but it’s too much drama and I’m tired.

I’m scared to think that any day I could be deported to Mexico. According to some contacts that I have there who also are HIV positive, the Mexican government is not providing them with the help they need. Some of them have to come to El Paso, Texas, to get medication, because their voices are not heard in Mexico. Sometimes the lack of help, the ignorance and the stigma around HIV-positive people and the virus make life very miserable for us.

I’m getting an idea about how hard it is to live with the virus at certain ages, and in this situation of being undocumented, or “illegal,” as people say when they want to discriminate and make other human beings feel bad. Thanks to this website, the fight against the disease is easier.  

 

What adjectives best describe you?

After many mistakes in life I can say that I learned the true hardness in life. I can be sociable, but at the same time shy because of the stigma around being positive.

What is your greatest achievement?

I did what I wanted to do. I graduated from college. But the road is long, not only because of my health, but also my legal status.

What is your greatest regret?

I regret nothing, because it is important to fall and be able to get up.

What keeps you up at night?

Thinking about the future. Thinking that I’m getting older every day, poorer, and my future is uncertain.

If you could change one thing about living with HIV, what would it be?

My desperation of being alone after I got the disease. I found a person who married me, but he still doesn’t understand about my situation. He thinks that love and sex solve problems in life.

What is the best advice you ever received?

Be cautious. I believe that nobody is perfect, but responsibility means a lot when a disease is present.

What person in the HIV/AIDS community do you most admire?

My personal doctor, because he knows what is going on with my life. Also the people in general who fight the stigma and to find a cure to this disease.

What drives you to do what you do?

Sharing a story is telling a truth that nobody knows, and it’s the only way to get out from our mouths and mind.

If you had to evacuate your house immediately, what is the one thing you would grab on the way out?

My pets, and also my medication

If you could be any animal, what would you be? And why?

I would like to be an eagle or a wild horse, because liberty is what I love.