Kailua Kona, Hawaii

Positive since 1994

I joined POZ Personals to meet other men like myself. I was searching for Mr. Right. I’ve met some pretty nice guys, handsome, hardworking, and just trying to find the same thing I’m looking for: a long-term relationship. I call it the fairy tale. I want a storybook happy ending into the sunset with the man of my dreams.

I tried all the usual dating sites, and I decided that since I’m HIV positive, I should give POZ.com a chance. At least you get that ugly question out of the way. There’s no disappointment after telling someone your status and being rejected for being honest. From POZ, I received lots of responses. Of those, I was interested in three, all handsome guys, younger than me, with great bodies and great bios. I like handsome guys; what can I say? I don’t see color. I look for values, heart and soul.

Here’s the problem: Who wants to move to Hawaii? Well, apparently no one who lives on the mainland. No one cares for sunshine every day, swimming every day, fresh foods, and fruits. I hardly have to wear winter clothing. Most of the guys I’ve met online don’t want to move, or give up the time on the job to make the effort. Most guys will say, “Why don’t you move back to the mainland and fall in love?” Well, I can only live in a region covered by my Kaiser health insurance. They supply me with my health care. I don’t have an extra $3,400 sitting around to pay in advance and wait for reimbursement for my drugs. Also, I have a kickass job that I love. I work for a great doctor and my co-workers are my age. It’s very hard to convince an employer to hire the old guy over the younger one.

I wonder, will I ever find true love, or am I living a pipe dream? How do I approach this and not come across as the bad guy for wanting a future partner to move here? Has anyone else run into this problem? I was asked how the state medical works here. I don’t know. Maybe I should find out. I can tell you, it’s easier to bring your own work here than find a job. I need help finding a relationship that can turn into something more. Is there a HIV Positive 101 class that can help me?

I’m not trying to be funny here, just honest. I’m rejected in the regular community because I’m HIV positive, then to be shunned in the POZ community is a kicker because I don’t bend. There is more to the story here as to why I’m single again. It was my own stupidity. I was selfish because I wanted the storybook life. I was with my husband for more than 10 years. He had his own health issues, not HIV related. I wanted to be loved, held, kissed, and used sexually. I thought this was the way you show affection. He didn’t like to do any housework. He wouldn’t eat leftovers, and was slightly concerned about the way he looked. Sometimes he remembered to take a shower, feed himself, let the dogs out, and open the house up to get fresh air. Other times I would come home, and I didn’t know if the dogs had been out all day, and the house was closed up and hot. I’m the one being blamed for the failure of this relationship, because I cheated. But I wanted and needed affection. I want to be loved, just like everyone else.

These days I’m just a tired fool, married to my job and loveless. Am I ready for the next relationship? Is there a relationship out there for me? I’m going to continue to write these letters till someone can give me an answer.

What three adjectives best describe you?

Sad, weak, small

What is your greatest achievement?

To have loved and lost the man I spent 10 years with.

What is your greatest regret?

Cheating

What keeps you up at night?

Lately everything

If you could change one thing about living with HIV, what would it be?

The nerve damage you get from it

What is the best advice you ever received?

Stay close to shore

What person in the HIV/AIDS community do you most admire?

My doctor. He balances a career and a gay lifestyle.

 

What drives you to do what you do?

The smile on the person I see when I deliver their new eyewear

What is your motto?

I don’t have one anymore.

If you had to evacuate your house immediately, what is the one thing you would grab on the way out?

The dogs