Times are a little tighter these days for most people, and a better person than I would not take this opportunity to rub good fortune in the faces of others... but I got the following email today, and I think it’s a real game changer.
Received at 4:43 pm 2/11/09
Subject: I Have Been Touched
My name is Mrs Lauretta Braden,
I have decided to donate what I have to you. I have been touched to donate from what I have inherited from my late husband to you for the good work of charity organisation, I decided to WILL/donate the sum of $10,000,000:00USD to you.
Contact my Physican Dr Steve Elliott with this specified email--
Mrs Lauretta Braden.
Now, I know what you are thinking: Shawn, why would you not post the email of the kind woman’s physician? Well, it’s tough times, and I can’t have someone else swoop in on old Dr. Elliott and Mrs. Braden’s money, squeezing me out of the action. Especially since she has obviously read or seen something here that inspired her to donate $10 million dollars to me. It could have been the latest Synthetic Division music video or maybe she came upon a copy of My Pet Virus.
I don’t know, and I don’t care. Either way, I’m not about to lose this opportunity.
I’ve seen a lot of specials on lottery winners, how their lives are ruined by large sums of money, usually because family members and friends feel entitled to a piece of the pie. Well, I definitely want to avoid those pitfalls, which is why I shot off a mass email to everyone I know.
Sent: 5:14 pm, 2/11/09
Subject: ’Bout Damn Time
Dear Friends and Family,
It has just come to my attention that I am going to be rich beyond my wildest imagination. Do not reply to this email- I am changing the address immediately after sending this. Do not stop by my house, I am staying in a hotel until I locate a mansion. And no, you can’t have any. Hence the change of email address and demeanor in general. Looks like you’ll have to find another AIDS monkey to make you laugh, because this one is about to be giggling himself to sleep in a big ol’ barrel of bananas.
Will I continue to blog for Poz? Well, it depends on how they take the email. I think I have enough money to start my own AIDS magazine now: POZ-itoid. I got enough money to hire a lawyer who can win that gimmick infringement case, too! And I bet Dr. Steve Elliott knows just the guy.