As if i don’t have enough on my plate with the latest about my lung and liver, now my youngest son has gone to jail. This happened yesterday and it was in the local paper today as well as the local tv news yesterday. My son has eleven charges against him, among them attempted homicide and seven counts of reckless endangerment. His bond is a hundred thousand dollars and he is only seventeen.

Of course, I had to hear the news from the sister who I don’t get along with and the one I let raise him. As usual, she is being dramatical about it all. I had to hear the ever famous, “I didn’t raise him to be like this” but in reality she did raise him to be like this. She was the one who insisted on someone showing him how to sell drugs in the first place but she doesn’t know that I even know that. And I was told this by my son and it was confirmed by my other sister on two different occasions. All I could do was sit there, listen to her bullshit and grit my fucking teeth. At the same time, I had to calm myself down because I know the rage I was feeling was not helping my immune system or the other things going on with my body.

Today wasn’t any better. I got a few calls from my son which tore at my heart. But at the same time, my son was fully aware of what he was doing regardless of the countless times I have tried to talk to him. I had to listen to the sadness and what I thought sounded like regret in his voice. But I had to remind him that if he only would’ve listened to me that he would not be in the mess he is in. I explained to him that I would do what I could which is put a couple of bucks on his books and write. I told him I loved him. You can only say so much in a three minute call. At the moment he is in the county prison but with the charges he is facing they will be moving him to an out of state prison once he gets sentenced. My child being charged as an adult, going to a place where everyone is bigger than him and older than him. I can’t help but worry for my son and be scared for him.

Once again, I am left feeling angry, not just at my son for his stupidity but angry at my God/dess. I am left asking again, why this is happening to me? Though it is not directly happening to me, I can’t help but to be affected. This is my baby, going to jail and being tried as an adult. His youth--- gone! And when I see him again, he will be a grown man. Notice I say when and not if because even with the latest events, I still plan on being here or so I hope.

I guess my last words for this entry should be: “Is there a lawyer in the house?”