I have been kind of avoiding blogging about this subject for awhile now. But I do need to talk about it. It is one of my own personal demons that I have been dealing with since I have had this virus. Me and my bug have been together going on eleven years come 2008. Please keep in mind by me talking about disclosure, I am not trying to piss anyone off or play favorites. That has never been my style---- I am simply stating my views and how I feel.

The person who infected me did not disclose. I found out through a co- worker who knew someone who worked at the prison where my ex was incarcerated. And when I did come to find out, I was in tears. When my ex was incarcerated, I was involved in 2 affairs, both with co-workers. What can I say? I was in my 20’s then and sowing my Royal oats. The co-worker who told me the news was very understanding and not really stressed at all. Condoms were used. And I am assuming he was more educated than I was at the time.

The other co-worker was a different story. No condoms were used. Did I disclose? Yes, I did, the very same day I found out, but I also explained that I had just found out too. I know he was shocked, I could see it in his face. No words came then either, not for awhile afterwards. I am assuming that he got tested and it came back negative because after awhile we began to talk again. And once when I came back to Miami to visit, we got together. I never saw him again but heard he had gotten married.

Yes, I was angry at my ex for taking the choice away from me, but I was more upset about the nurse at the prison who divulged the information. I know it is prison but wasn’t it supposed to be confidential? What gave that person the right to disclose my ex’s status? To me, that was betrayal at the highest level.

Let’s talk about the next betrayal which came at the hands of my siblings - my two older sisters. I consider it betrayal because in every instance (and there are too many to name here), they took away my chance to even try to disclose. Where is the support that you would think is suppose to come from family? Because of them I have issues with trusting people enough to even try to disclose for fear that it will be used against me. I guess that is why I can relate to people who are afraid to disclose. In the same token, I would like to think that those who do not disclose are being safe with whoever they are with. But I can’t be responsible for everyone else, only for me.

Though I do not disclose immediately, it does not mean I will never disclose. I have been working on that by disclosing to my room mate. I have also disclosed to a few others. And who made the rule that everyone should disclose on Day One of knowing any person? I think that should be left up to the discretion of the individual, not because society says so. You can think of me what you will but I will always do what I think is best not what someone else dictates.