In the HIV epidemic there was “Patient Zero”, a handsome blonde flight attendant who is “credited” for spreading HIV to a large number of people.  Well, now that the panic surrounding the Swine Flu has rendered the AIDS epidemic obsolete, I’m proposing a “Patient Zero” theory for this emerging crisis.

This is hard for me to write, because I swore I’d never blog this person’s name.  But just yesterday the news broke that two Virginians had tested positive for Swine Flu, and Gwenn came down with a 24-hour bug.  She is fine, the Virginians have already been treated and are totally fine, too... but the clock is ticking.

And I can no longer keep vital information to myself.

swine-flu-patient-zero.jpg
The Patient Zero of the Swine Flu pandemic is Spencer Pratt of the Hills. 

I don’t want to know anything about Spencer, I don’t watch his show, I don’t even watch his co-star/girlfriend’s attempts to make it in the music industry.  But all the Swine signs point to fame-hungry Spencer.  And here’s the indisputable evidence that proves Spencer is the new Patient Zero.

us-weekly-spencer.jpg- November 2008- Spencer Pratt goes to Mexico to fake marry Heidi.

- FACT- Like HIV’s Patient Zero, Spencer is blonde.

- April 2009 - Spencer and Heidi get married for real... why the rush?

- FACT- During their honeymoon, “Speidi” were quarantined.

There you have it.  This is all his fault.  Authorities have already allowed Spencer back into the country- we need to get him out, before it’s too late.  So, if you care about your statesfolk the way I do, please let friends and loved ones know that they need to stay away from Spencer Pratt.  Forward this to your local representative and demand action.

Of course, if you don’t want to give this douche anymore coverage, I respect that.  If Swine Flu takes us all down, we can take comfort in knowing that we no longer have to see Spencer and, as the Soup puts it, his “creepy flesh-colored beard.” 

Or, as I call her, Heidi.

Positively Yours,
Shawn

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