Sunday, April 17, 2011. World Hemophilia Day.  It’s a day when we reign down gifts and love upon the greatest gift God ever gave to this world- people with bleeding disorders... or, as I call us, “thinbloods”.

We are undoubtedly the world’s chosen people. Why? Because we are a loving breed.  We kind of have to be, because not having a proper amount of clotting factor makes one a very kind person by default.  You don’t see thinbloods starting fights in bars, and we only antagonize others up to a certain point, for fear of our own physical well-being.  And speaking of which, I can’t think of a better time to lay down some guidelines to make the world a better place for thinbloods than now.

So here’s some New Rules, Bill Maher-style.

Hemophilia & Bleeding Disorders New Rules
by Shawn Decker

New Rule: If you high five with enough force to blast through four sheets of drywall, then you are doing it too hard.  I don’t give a fuck if your favorite team just scored a soccer goal (watch a sport where scoring happens more often) or if you lost your virginity last night.  Either situation doesn’t justify you ripping my arm from it’s socket.

New Rule: No more “super-packaging”. I shouldn’t have to use a pair of scissors to open a plastic container hell-bent on slicing and dicing my hand. I’m trying to get to a set of new headphones, and there shouldn’t be the lingering danger of an emergency room visit hanging over my head.

Bloody Mary Drinks
New Rule: Call them “Clot-Deficiency Mary”.

New Rule: Alcohol thins the blood.  This is not fair.  Would it kill blood companies to make the world’s first beer that actually “thickens” the blood?  I think thinbloods have paid enough money for blood products over the years to get this product on the fast track.

New Rule: No matter who’s birthday it is, or whatever the occasion may be, the thinblood always gets the blindfold and stick.

Whether you are a thinblood or a thickblood, I hope you have a great and safe weekend ahead of you.

Positively Yours,

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