We are undoubtedly the world’s chosen people. Why? Because we are a loving breed. We kind of have to be, because not having a proper amount of clotting factor makes one a very kind person by default. You don’t see thinbloods starting fights in bars, and we only antagonize others up to a certain point, for fear of our own physical well-being. And speaking of which, I can’t think of a better time to lay down some guidelines to make the world a better place for thinbloods than now.
So here’s some New Rules, Bill Maher-style.
Hemophilia & Bleeding Disorders New Rules
by Shawn Decker
High-Fiving
New Rule: If you high five with enough force to blast through four sheets of drywall, then you are doing it too hard. I don’t give a fuck if your favorite team just scored a soccer goal (watch a sport where scoring happens more often) or if you lost your virginity last night. Either situation doesn’t justify you ripping my arm from it’s socket.
Packaging
New Rule: No more “super-packaging”. I shouldn’t have to use a pair of scissors to open a plastic container hell-bent on slicing and dicing my hand. I’m trying to get to a set of new headphones, and there shouldn’t be the lingering danger of an emergency room visit hanging over my head.
Bloody Mary Drinks
New Rule: Call them “Clot-Deficiency Mary”.
Alcohol
New Rule: Alcohol thins the blood. This is not fair. Would it kill blood companies to make the world’s first beer that actually “thickens” the blood? I think thinbloods have paid enough money for blood products over the years to get this product on the fast track.
Pinatas
New Rule: No matter who’s birthday it is, or whatever the occasion may be, the thinblood always gets the blindfold and stick.
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Whether you are a thinblood or a thickblood, I hope you have a great and safe weekend ahead of you.
Positively Yours,
Shawnby Shawn Decker
High-Fiving
New Rule: If you high five with enough force to blast through four sheets of drywall, then you are doing it too hard. I don’t give a fuck if your favorite team just scored a soccer goal (watch a sport where scoring happens more often) or if you lost your virginity last night. Either situation doesn’t justify you ripping my arm from it’s socket.
Packaging
New Rule: No more “super-packaging”. I shouldn’t have to use a pair of scissors to open a plastic container hell-bent on slicing and dicing my hand. I’m trying to get to a set of new headphones, and there shouldn’t be the lingering danger of an emergency room visit hanging over my head.
Bloody Mary Drinks
New Rule: Call them “Clot-Deficiency Mary”.
Alcohol
New Rule: Alcohol thins the blood. This is not fair. Would it kill blood companies to make the world’s first beer that actually “thickens” the blood? I think thinbloods have paid enough money for blood products over the years to get this product on the fast track.
Pinatas
New Rule: No matter who’s birthday it is, or whatever the occasion may be, the thinblood always gets the blindfold and stick.
--------------------
Whether you are a thinblood or a thickblood, I hope you have a great and safe weekend ahead of you.
Positively Yours,
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