Most people love this time of year, the holidays which is suppose to be shared with friends and loved ones. I have come to hate it and it is usually the worst time of year for me. I have been in tears for the most part, fighting off depression, and trying to remain strong. I think I am losing the battle. I am almost to the point that I don’t care if I live or die.

I hate it because I don’t have the support of what’s left of my family. The one person who I usually would spend my holidays with and get the most support from, my father, is gone. He passed away from cancer going on five years ago come February. He was my rock, my foundation and without him here, I feel alone. I don’t feel loved at all. I feel like I am in limbo. Just waiting on death to make his appearance. I wonder when he shows if he can make himself look like Brad Pitt in Meet Joe Black instead of dressing in a black robe and carrying around a sickle. Or will my father be there to meet me and take me over to the other side.

I see myself slowly giving up the will to fight. I’m tired of having to fight tooth and nail to try to survive in a world that has become cold and cruel. A world where love has come to mean nothing. And money seems to mean everything. Where people are not judged for their merits but for how much money they have. Or what their boyfriends or someone has bought them. I don’t belong here anymore, I just don’t. I wish I had the courage to take myself out but I don’t. The best I can do is play russian roulette with my meds and just wait.

There are other triggers that have caused me to feel this way other than the holidays. I tried to give myself the pep talk of “I have dealt with a lot of things in my life and overcome them.” But the pep talk to myself and from others is just not working anymore. I don’t see a reason for living. I tried to make myself believe that if I could help others, it would help me. Now I feel like how can I help others if I can barely survive and help myself.

I try to keep hope alive but each day I feel a piece of me dying. And my hope of things getting better is dying right along with me.