I haven’t been blogging much lately, simply for the reason that I guess I kind of ran out of things to say for the moment. I guess you can consider this entry sort of like a memo of the few things that has been going on. Where should I begin?

I have been feeling kind of disappointed about a few things lately. And I really don’t know why I let it get to me. But I have been this way since I was a child. I wish I could change that about myself. I have had people I considered friends come and go in my life one way or another. But the loss of one friend remains to eat away at me.

I spoke in one of my earlier entries about a gay person who I considered to be my male best friend. He had left his bf (boyfriend for those who were wandering..) at one point and became my room mate again. I think we had been room about three times in the years we have known each other. This last time, he even put a PFA out on his bf which made me think he had finally come to his senses. But since I left my room mates he has gone back to his drugged out abusive bf. The bf who has called me all kind of niggers,deaf bitches, has him strung out on crack, physically attacked him and not taking care of himself, physically and medically. The bf who keeps him totally isolated from any who cares about him.

Being the Capricorn that I am, logical as well as loyal, I can’t make sense of his deciding to go back to an abusive relationship. Especially when he appeared to be his happiest away from him. I even remember when he got his PFA. He declared it his divorce papers and was free. I have thought about it long and hard. The conclusion that I come to is that he likes being the victim and having everyone come to his rescue. I also realize that I am disappointed in him but I am also angry. I feel used and betrayed. I don’t see how he could let someone make him choose between his friends and his abusive cracked out relationship. More than anything I am hurt.

I have decided that I am done playing his savior. I have tried to accept his rejection of our friendship gracefully. In normal circumstances, I would wish him the best and move on. How can I do that when the situation is dismal to say the least. And what I am wishing him is not the best but something to give him a wake up call. Most of the time, a person has to be rock bottom to even begin to see the light.

Next on my plate was trying to turn a negative into a positive. Or in other words, I am getting tired of sitting on my ass at the computer. I want to do something useful, as in go back to school for computers. I did make the effort. I made my appointment and even whizzed the test they had given me. Had another appointment, this time with financial aid and ran smack into a brick wall because of past student loans. Two years ago, I was going to school online and during that time was when I lost most of my hearing. I tried to get the school I was attending to work with me but was told they didn’t know how to accamodate hearing impaired students. I had no choice but to drop out.

Financial aid pretty much gave me a couple of phone numbers, websites and told me try our local Office of Vocational Rehabilitation who has a scholarship program. The problem is their application process is slow. And would you believe the application is thirty pages long?! I was also told, though I do not completely understand, that my student loans may be forgiven due to being disabled. Does anyone know anything about this? I know what I have to do as far as calling around and getting the application. But I still can’t help but be disappointed. I am not really up on student loans. All I remember is people complaining about them mostly. I’m wondering if I can go back to school if I do owe, as long as I graduate? I would appreciate any insight anyone can give me on this.

My final disappointment, the guy I was “seeing”. I think the romantic side of it is over for me. He has issues that he can’t seem to get past with females. This is due to him being with controlling females in his past. And instead of giving the next female the benefit of the doubt when it comes to certain things, he just says we’re all the same. We ended up having an arguement that left me furious to say the least. And I was so close to disclosing. For a moment, I thought he might be one of the “great ones”. I guess I disappointed myself on that one. Another one bites the dust and back to the drawing board yet again. I am beginning to feel like I am getting too old for this shit. Maybe I should make my focus school and nothing else.