Since getting the results back from the MRI I had done, my specialist now wants me to take a trip to see specialists in Pittsburgh. I have been researching ways to get me there but none seem to be available. I have tried the usual...bus, train,renting a car, asking people I know with cars for rides--paying for the gas and food or my final option of calling my ASO. None of them seem to pan out for various reasons ranging from not having a CC, well a pre-paid CC that doesn’t seem to be worth the plastic it’s printed on to conflict of schedules with the train and the hound. Oh, and the people I asked couldn’t do it---I wasn’t given a reason, just that they couldn’t so I guess it was left up to me to figure out why.

I had been talking about it in the forums and people have offered their assistance. Some was helpful and some I totally disagree with for reasons of my safety. And honestly, I don’t care if the people are from Craig’s List. It doesn’t mean the situation is safe because Craig’s Lists offers up some suggestions or because there are others that have done it before. Hell, McDonald’s has served over a billion customers but it doesn’t mean their food is healthy. Or just because Jane jumped off a bridge and lived doesn’t mean I will.People seem to forget that I try to survive each month on disability. Even though I couldn’t afford renting a car, I was willing to go into my bill money to make sure I would make it to the appointment. Even if some things got turned off, I would think my health is more important.

And let’s not forget the other stressful things going on in my life, like my son being incarcerated. I know there is not much I can do there but I guess having my son stressing me about getting money to a lawyer when he knows I can’t afford it, is not suppose to stress me. I am suppose to put on a happy face and smile. WRONG...What I have been doing is crying uncontrollably and sleeping most of the day away when I am home. Due to problems with my room mate, I have been leaving the house. I guess it’s one way to guarantee I get some exercise. Now who was it that said that the walk would do me good? Whoever it was---was wrong. I don’t feel like a new woman or brand new. The frustration is still there. The bright side if there is one, that I am scheduled to see a therapist next month.

Do I think talking to a shrink will help? Highly unlikely and how I am feeling at this point, the last thing I need is to be patronized. I have already had that treatment from my worthless case manager at my ASO. And I swear, if I hear that damn saying that “God doesn’t give us more than we can handle”, I am going to snap. Frankly, I ’m tired of hearing that there is someone who is doing worse than me. I am aware of that but if I can’t help my damn self, how in the hell could I ever help them?

So, I feel I have a right to bitch and moan. It’s not like I am sitting on my ass and doing nothing. I am trying everything and nothing is working.